DC Trawler

If You Thought The Coast Guard Was Supposed To, Y’know, Guard The Coast… Think Again

Clearly, the greatest threat to humanity in 2015 is global warming climate change angry sky gods. But what do we do about it? How do we fix it? What’s the solution?

Obama knows. And he wasn’t afraid to say it out loud, in front of cameras and microphones and everything, at the Coast Guard Academy’s commencement ceremony this week:


Sure, a boat will be the safest place on Earth when the oceans rise (even though Obama got elected) and everybody drowns because they left their cellphone chargers plugged in. But it’s not too late to prevent the watery doom that is, we’re told, perpetually 15-20 years away.

If President Obama is serious about this, he’ll order our armed forces to go back to the days of wooden sailing ships. Their current carbon footprint is just ridiculous, so let them rely on wind power. It was good enough for Jack Sparrow, wasn’t it?

If they still need more juice to get around — doing whatever it is they do out there, who knows — they can conscript climate deniers as galley slaves. Let those dumb teabaggers row, row, row away their sins against Gaia.

Problem solved. You’re welcome, Mr. President.

BTW, not that Barry is out of ideas or anything, but…