Opinion

Patrick Howley Applies To Become The Vox ‘Race And Identity Editor’

Patrick Howley Political Reporter

The liberal Washington-based publication Vox is currently looking for a new “Race and Identity Editor” to “lead a team of writers focused on gender, sexuality, race, and criminal justice,” according to the job posting. “Everyone is encouraged to apply, including women, LGBTQ people, people of color, and people with disabilities.”

This is clearly a bold and progressive step for the little-read website, which is run by a white person named Ezra Klein. So who should apply for the new gig at Vox, which recently ran a piece entitled “3 Reasons The American Revolution Was A Mistake”?

Clearly there is only one man for this job, one man who can truly plumb the depths of race and identity to better illuminate the tensions of our divided culture. He is the author of such Daily Caller classics as “Gays Now Totally Boring,” “Liberals Want To Stop Men From Checking Out Women,” “Liberal Hipsters Make Race Relations Worse,” and the world-famous “Stephanie Cutter Review” that singlehandedly ended the run of CNN’s “Crossfire.” That man, ladies and gentlemen, is named Patrick Howley. Here is his application:

Dear Vox Media,

When I was in fourth grade, I asked my friend Marta why her skin looked different than mine. “Why is it that your complexion is of a darker shade?” I inquired.

“Because you are a white person and I am a Latina,” she said, bouncing up and down in my driveway in her cousins’ lowrider car.

“I guess I just always wondered that,” I replied. “Well, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I found some bottles of Smirnoff missing from the supply closet, and I’m going to have to let you go.”

“Please Mr. Patrick, do not do this to my family,” she pleaded, but it was too late. Even though I later remembered that we never had any Smirnoff in the supply closet, the INS agents my parents called were already on their way. Due to a simple misunderstanding, I would never see her again. It was just like the plot of one of her beloved telenovelas.

I never forgot this experience. As the years went on, my acute awareness of racial injustice inspired me to join the progressive movement. After taking a degree from Yale in Gender Discrimination Literature and spending time abroad teaching cultural hygiene to the residents of Brooklyn, New York, I was ready to put my finely-tuned sensitivities into practice. Like many white people, I didn’t know exactly how to start. But if even someone as white as Wesley Lowery could do it, so could I.

The first step was to purchase a pair of thick-rimmed black eyeglasses. Once I completed this task, the next step was to obtain a lot of my family’s money by dipping into my trust fund (a necessity for any true progressive). The third, and most important, step: hyphenating my last name.

“Patrick Howley” just would not do. It sounds far too working-class white for any serious intellectual to not hate me for it. So after shopping around some different options, I came up with the ultimate progressive name: “Patrick Howley Weigel-Santoro.” I was ready.

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I took to progressivism almost instantly, and I’m better at it than many others.

When I noticed ESPN using the name “Justin Blackmon” to refer to a wide receiver for the Jacksonville Jaguars, I immediately expressed my deep misgivings. While I understood that ESPN was using the term “Blackmon” by virtue of the fact that it was the player’s last name, I opened a public dialogue on the matter. My op-ed “What If I Called You Whiteman, Bill Simmons?” was followed by Melissa Harris-Perry’s equally courageous op-ed, “Blackmon? What About Black Women?” The NFL is now considering changing that player’s name.

I’ve invoked the memory of Selma more than anyone else in my co-op. I’ve read more James Baldwin books than the average black postal worker. I have better Gaydar than most single thirty five-year old women.

Here are my article suggestions for Vox Media, as requested by you, the reviewer of my application. Let the truth go loudly and shrilly forth:

I Smoke Newports: A White Person Explains

That sweet Menthol flavor has certainly won over the African-American community. Nothing helps ease the sting of gentrification quite like me carrying a green-and-white pack of these bad boys around at night in mixed neighborhoods! But as the Vox Race and Identity Editor, I would explain why I’m an even better person for actually forcing myself to smoke the black man’s cigarette – even though it kind of tastes weird and I don’t care for it.

Update: I’ve been informed that this idea could be an example of “cultural appropriation,” which is something that liberals accuse you of if you enjoy things outside of your culture. So, for violating the liberal concept of segregation, I apologize and revoke this idea from consideration.

A Tribute To Fox: The First Black Network

As we celebrate cultural institutions that have broken down racial barriers, we should pause to pay tribute to Rupert Murdoch’s Fox network. The network took a chance on “In Living Color” in 1990 when other networks were still running MASH re-runs and putting Jim Belushi on television. Fox also gave us “Martin” in 1992, which was one of the most popular black shows of all time when it debuted, not to mention Sinbad’s show in 1993. I think it’s time for Vox to give some dap — as they say — to the racial trailblazers at Fox.

Update: I’ve been informed that this piece will NOT work on Vox. I apologize and revoke this idea from consideration.

Dr. King’s Lessons: Are They Overrated?

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. taught that we should judge others by “the content of their character” not by “the color of their skin.” But is this lesson outdated in a post-Ferguson America? In this probing op-ed, Michael Eric Dyson explains, “Let’s Just Make The King A Prince.”

Patrick Howley is currently the leading candidate to become the Vox Race and Identity Editor. Please follow his struggle.

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