Political Thriller

One-Act Play Reveals Why The New York Times Kept Cruz’s Book Off The Bestseller List

Patrick Howley Political Reporter
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Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz will not see his book “A Time For Truth” on The New York Times bestseller list. Even though the book sold 11,854 copies in its first week, ranking higher than 18 of the 20 books on the latest list, the Times told Cruz’s publisher HarperCollins that his book “didn’t meet that standard” to get recognized. The Times, which previously blocked Dinesh D’Souza’s bestseller “America” from getting on the list, later told Politico that they found evidence that “sales [for Cruz’s book] were limited to strategic bulk purchases.”

While the Times has yet to show anyone its alleged evidence, The Daily Caller has found the anonymous typewritten first draft of a one-act play that appears to show exactly what went on behind closed doors at New York Times headquarters while the list was being compiled:


(THE NEW YORK TIMES OFFICE. Late at night. MARK, a young editor, enters with a clipboard with sales numbers on it. ALAN, an old publisher, stands by his window overlooking the street)

Mark: He sold over eleven thousand. He’s good enough for number three. Right ahead of Aziz Ansari.

Alan: This is the one with him wearing the jacket on the cover, right? What’s it called?

Mark: A Time For Truth.

Alan: A Time For Truth. (scoffs) Leave it off.

Mark: But Alan, the integrity of the list –

Alan: Integrity? Dr. Drew has been on this list. Dr. Phil has been on this list. We let Dan Brown live on the damn thing. We had Suzanne Somers co-author one with the thighmaster. If Malcolm In The Middle had written a diary of his high school years in character we would have put it higher than ‘Death In The Afternoon.’ Spare me the “integrity of the list.” Okay? (takes a swig of gin) If we put this book on the list, you know what that means? It means we are putting our stamp of approval on it. It means high school teachers in Kansas pick the thing up in a dime store someday and see the words “New York Times” on the top of the paperback. Do you want to be responsible for giving Ted Cruz that stamp of approval?

Mark: I’m just looking at the numbers –

Alan: Answer me! Mr. Good Democrat, Mr. Central Park West. Answer the question. If you could go back in time to 1951 and bump “God and Man At Yale” wouldn’t you do it? Because maybe if you did then America wouldn’t have to watch that brahmin prig on PBS for the next thirty years? I’ll tell you, kid. I would have bumped that book and I wouldn’t have blinked. And then I would have bumped “Conscience of A Conservative,” too.

(Alan lights a cigarette and paces the room)

smoking animated GIF

They don’t get our approval. You understand? These are changing times. We have to put up a unified front. We have to show them our DIS-approval. When frat boys in Oklahoma make a racist joke, we need to catch it on cell phone camera, put it on the Internet, and play that clip on CNN until people in Beirut call for them to be expelled. When the Duck Dynasty guy talks about gay marriage we need to shove him so far out of the public eye that they won’t find him until Don Imus’ colonoscopy. Disapproval! Shame! These things are OUR FRIENDS. That’s what we do as progressives.

Mark: That’s fine, Alan. But I have just one question.

Alan: Yeah, what’s that?

Mark: Why did it sell so many copies?

Alan: (Thinks for a moment) “Strategic bulk purchases.” That’s the term we’ll use. Get Sandra to write up a release. It was…strategic bulk purchases.

Mark: It’s just the two of us here. Why did it sell so many copies?

Alan: Racism. Sexism. Homophobia. Xenophobia. Islamaphobia. It’s reactionary, for Chrissake. These people cling to their guns and their religion. It’s jingoistic American nationalism. It’s Friday night high school football. It’s the cheerleader dating the prom king. It’s just…it’s reactionary.

Mark: Alan, I’ve gone to every one of your dinner parties, your fundraisers, your benefits. And I’ve never said a word out of line. But at some point we’re going to have to realize: It’s a big country out there. It’s not just us.

Alan: What are you saying?

Mark: People just watched their president change the health care system on a party-line vote. They just watched the government let in DREAMers on an executive action. They just watched the Supreme Court pass gay marriage, sorry marriage equality, and they didn’t let a single state decide for itself. These are changing times. But maybe, just maybe, these numbers are telling us that we’re changing a little too fast.

Alan: See yourself out, Mark. You’re fired.

Mark: (stands up to leave) I believed in this list.

Alan: We all have to believe in something.

(Mark heads for the door, then stops and turns around)

Mark: Just so you know…Dr. Phil didn’t need your seal of approval. Because he had something bigger…He had Oprah.

(Mark exits)

Alan: (staring off through his window into the New York City night, dials the ringer on his rotary phone) Hello, operator? Get me my wife…Well then, wake her up. I need to tell her something…I need to tell her I never loved her.


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