DC Trawler

Animals Are Dumb

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As my longtime readers know, I am not a fan of the panda. I have my reasons, which I may or may not share with the world at some point, but it all boils down to this: Pandas are ungrateful bastards, they’re lucky that humans value aesthetics over utility, and each one of them that we permit to live equals another 50 pounds of bamboo per day that could be put to better use making chairs. If I had my way, they’d all be shoveled into a pit.

I’m not “wild” about lions either. Unless you put one in a cage with a panda. Then I’ll watch.

But I’m not closed-minded. I’m sure there are lots of other animals I should hate. It’s perfectly reasonable to assign human characteristics to all our enemies in the animal kingdom and find ways to despise them for it.

Milo Yiannopoulos, most recently seen tracking down the next Rachel Dolezal, has bravely joined my crusade against all things non-human. Here’s his thesis:

ANIMALS THAT AREN’T DELICIOUS OR USEFUL DESERVE TO BE EXTINCT

Have you ever considered that there might be a good reason some animals are nearing extinction? And that it would be better if they just died off?

Let’s get one thing straight: animals are here for our culinary enjoyment, our utility, and occasionally our comedic pleasure. Basically the rule is: if you can’t eat it or ride it, it is pointless. I’m always telling friends to “go green.” What they don’t realise I mean is: eat a turtle.

Read the whole thing. Yiannopoulos rips on rhinos, slanders squirrels, and puts a very low quota on quokkas. Show me a man, woman, child, or Canadian who disagrees with a single word of it, and I’ll show you a liar.

Although I do kinda like red pandas. At least those sprightly little fellows make an effort to amuse us. When the day of judgment comes, they may be spared our wrath.

Just imagine it: Building a giant ark, filling it with two of every animal on the planet, and then blowing a great big hole in the hull. Doesn’t that sound nice?

If I could talk to the animals, I’d have just one thing to say: Run.

Update: I rest my case.