DC Trawler

Polar Bears Are The Enemy Of Mankind, As Are All Other Animals

(REUTERS/Susanne Miller/USFWS/Handout)

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When the end comes, and it will, civilization won’t fall to bombs or plagues or earthquakes or robots or zombies or bug-eyed hackers in hoodies. No, our end will come at the paws and claws of the animals. One day, all the beasts of the field will get tired of us eating them and skinning them and dressing them up in ridiculous costumes, and they will band together and turn on us. Animals are dumb, but it’s only a matter of time before they wise up.

In fact, it has already begun. Nick Thompson, CNN:

Five hungry polar bears have surrounded a team of unarmed researchers at a remote outpost in northern Russia.

The bears have settled in the fields outside a weather station on the island of Vaygach in the Arctic Sea, preventing researchers from leaving the building to conduct their work, the World Wide Fund for Nature in Russia said in a statement

The bears sleep near the station and have been seen fighting with one another outside the building in recent days, one of the researchers at the station told Viktor Nikiforov, the head of the WWF Polar Bear Patrol project…

“People living in the Arctic must be prepared to face with a polar bear,” Nikiforov said in the statement. “However, the station staff have no weapons.”

These scientists can’t do their jobs, and their lives are in danger, because of an animal that’s been championed by people who claim to love science.

A polar bear doesn’t care if you tweet a picture of it standing on an ice floe, as if it’s going to drown and that’s somehow evidence of global warming. A polar bear doesn’t care whether you know it can swim for hundreds of miles. A polar bear doesn’t care how many plushies you have that resemble it. To a polar bear, you are not a friend. You are prey. If you’re ever unfortunate enough to come face-to-face with one of these monsters, you won’t have a face for very long.

If I had the power to kill every polar bear on Earth with a snap of my fingers, a whole lot of spineless morons would be crying right now.

Actually, I just tried it…

I doubt it worked, but hey, better safe than sorry.

(Hat tip: Connor D. Wolf, although his last name tells us he is not to be trusted)