General Staff Building, Western Military District Headquarters, St. Petersburg, Russia
9:34 PM, Sept. 19, 2036. The Darkest Days of World War 3
*a young cismale officer bursts into the war room*
Lt. Sergei Ivanov: General! Terrible news from the front!
Gen. Mikhail Petrov: What do you mean, Lieutenant?
Ivanov: The Americans … they’re sending their most diverse units to attack Smolensk!
Petrov: Just … just how diverse do you mean?
Ivanov: It’s the Fourth Marine Division … the Fighting Jenners. Astonishingly, they’re almost equally split between blacks, Hispanics, Asians, and American Indians.
Petrov: Terrible news … but we’ve held off racially balanced units before. As long as they’re still mostly straight men …
Ivanov [interrupting]: That’s not all commander. They’re 75 percent women. 30 percent identify as gay, 12 percent as bisexual, 7 percent as assorted queer sexualities.
Petrov: My God … Trannies?
Ivanov: Two whole rifle companies. Crack troops. Best of the best.
Petrov: Blyad! Prepare to evacuate to Moscow. We cannot hope to contain such a strong enemy with our regular white, cishet divisions.
Ivanov: Wait, commander! We shouldn’t give up yet, we mustn’t give up!
Petrov: You’re a good soldier, Ivanov, but you need to know defeat when you see it. Ray Mabus caused a military revolution when he discovered the strength-multiplying effects of diversity within a military force. And it’s not just raw strength, either. Diversity made the Americans more innovative too, Mabus discovered. Their weapons and tactics have never been more advanced relative to ours. We’re seeing the fruits of Mabus’ brilliant discovery now. Vladivostok, Murmansk, Rostov, they all have the rainbow flag flying over them now because of the diversity principle.
Ivanov: But sir! We could still counterattack! If the enemy force is 75 percent women, then maybe we can hit them when all of their menstrual cycles are lined up. They’ll be too cramped and bloated to fight back!
Petrov: Watch your language, lieutenant. Not all women menstruate, and not all those who menstruate are women. We can’t assume anything.
Ivanov: I’m sorry, sir. Is … is there any hope?
Petrov: At this point, I’m afraid not. We should have accepted President Malia Obama’s ultimatum to legalize gay marriage and recognize all 17 genders while we had the chance.
Ivanov: Wait, sir! I have another idea. It’s not too late to adopt the Americans’ military doctrine. We could start identifying as trans* as well!
Petrov: By God, Ivanov, you’re a genius! Fetch some scalpels from the surgeon’s tent, and tell Col. Kozak to requisition the supply of hormones we captured from the French at Kursk. Send a message to Moscow and tell them we need to concentrate every racial and ethnic studies professor we have in Smolensk, so we can make our forces there as transracial as possible. We’ll lick those Americans yet!
That night, Gen. Mikhail Petrov re-identified herself as Sofiya Jackson, a black trans* woman of size, and led her newly diversified soldiers into the decisive battle at Smolensk. While Jackson fell in the battle, she did so having given birth to a new, more diverse Russian army, one that could battle the Americans on an equal footing. The war, so close to ending in an easy American victory, would continue for many years to come… but that is a story for another time.