DC Trawler

NJ Man Uses Police Summons As Toilet Paper, Projectile

REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

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Comparing an unwelcome document to bathroom tissue is a time-honored tradition. “I wipe my hindquarters with this piece of paper, in order to demonstrate my contempt for what it represents, you lousy so-and-so!” That’s not an exact quote, mind you, but you’ve probably said or heard something along those lines. It’s just a fun, satisfying image.

Saying it is one thing. Actually doing it is another. And it’s yet another thing entirely to throw the results at a police officer. The Smoking Gun:

A New Jersey man has been indicted for wiping “between his butt cheeks” with a police summons that he then threw at a cop, according to court records.

Joseph Greenwood, 45, is facing a felony rap for allegedly purposely subjecting a police officer to “contact with a bodily fluid”…

Upon receipt of the summons, Greenwood placed the document “between his butt cheeks” and began “wiping the paper in an upward and downward motion,” prosecutors allege. He then threw the summons “in the direction” of [Readington PD Lieutenant John] Insabella.

I’m a proud Hoosier*, but I was born in New Jersey. I’d like to think if I’d grown up there, this story could’ve been about me.

Wait… “bodily fluid“? Ugh. The charge: hit-with-runs.

*Don’t blame me, man. I don’t have anything to do with the Colts.