The Mirror

Marketing Firm Braces Itself For 2016 Race With Assorted Condoms

Betsy Rothstein Gossip blogger
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Paradise Marketing, a company out of Vista, Calif., is getting ready for the 2016 presidential race with the one thing political campaigns may actually find useful.


In all styles and thicknesses.

“The standard size lubricated condoms come in four red, white and blue political designs with slogans like ‘Either way, you’re screwed’ and ‘Thin as a politician’s promise’ while sheathing users in premium latex for superior fit, strength and elasticity for greater ease of mind,” states information in a release that’ll soon be blasted out across America.

“I mean, we have to break up the Benghazi monotony, right?” said the publicist who pitched me the story, referring to the marathon Benghazi hearing Thursday.

A company rep doesn’t think much of the presidential field of candidates.

“With the field of candidates before us, it’s the American public that is getting screwed,” a spokesperson who did not want to be named told The Mirror. “In order to earn my vote, the candidates would be smart enough to use these without them having to be sent. They should be smart enough to know that they have to use these!”

He also said the condoms provide protection in these uncertain political times.

The condoms can be purchased in a 40-piece jar, a “master case” of 24 jars or in bulk (this means 1,000 condoms).