DC Trawler

So Now Halloween Pumpkins Are Killing The Planet Or Something

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As anyone over the age of 12 already knows, Halloween is garbage. Once you’re too old to go trick or treating, there’s really no point. Adults who dress up for Halloween should be ashamed of themselves. Oh, you’re the Pizza Rat, are ya? Congratulations, you’re a true original.

But did you know that Halloween is literally garbage as well? The Department of Energy:

With the passing of Halloween, millions of pounds of pumpkins have turned from seasonal decorations to trash destined for landfills, adding to more than 254 million tons of municipal solid waste (MSW) produced in the United States every year…

At landfills, MSW decomposes and eventually turns into methane—a harmful greenhouse gas that plays a part in climate change, with more than 20 times the warming effect of carbon dioxide (CO2)…

The Energy Department’s Bioenergy Technologies Office is working together with industry to develop and test integrated biorefineries—facilities capable of efficiently converting plant and waste material into affordable biofuels, biopower and other products…

It might not be long until the 1.3 billion pounds of pumpkins we produce annually are nearly as important to our energy security as they are to Halloween!


I don’t usually celebrate Halloween because it’s a waste of time and an annual capitulation to the forces of evil, but now I’m going to buy a big pile of pumpkins and just let them rot on the vast front lawn of my sumptuous estate. Take that, planet Earth! And if anybody tries to mess with my own personal MSW engine, they’ll have to get past the guard dogs and through the minefield. Here’s your treat, meddlers: a ride in an ambulance.

The DOE also wants Americans to dress up children as solar panels and windmills for Halloween. I tend to be skeptical of right-wing conspiracy theories about the government driving a wedge between parents and kids, but that would be one way to do it.

You shouldn’t celebrate Halloween. But if you must, at least do it in a way that’s not approved by the government. They can’t think of anything scarier.

But enough about #EnergyWeen. It’s time for some #WeenEnergy!

(Hat tip: Jennifer Pompi)