“Jihadi Hotline. Please hold. We are currently busy helping other suicide bombers. But your call is very important to us, please stay on the line.”
“Hello, this is your Jihadi Hotline representative, Mohammed. How may I help you today?”
“Hello, I bought a suicide vest from Al-Target for my wife as a present for our fifth wedding anniversary. But the darn thing blew up as I was walking home.”
“Where are you right now?”
“Well, I’m calling from First Street, but I believe my legs are on Third Street and my arms are on Fourth. The reason I’m calling is that the vest was guaranteed to blow up anything within 10 yards. But this piece of crap didn’t harm anyone around me.”
“Do you need medical attention?”
“Well, actually, I am down a pint or ten and am getting woozy. Before I go, my question is: Can I get a refund on this thing?”
“Sorry, suicide vests are nonrefundable.”
…………..
“Jihadi Hotline. How may I help you?”
“Hello, my name is Mohammed Mohammed. All of my friends are named Mohammed Mohammed Mohammed. They make fun of me because I only have two Mohammeds in my name. My question is: Should I blow myself up and take some infidels with me?”
“I cannot advise you on this. Becoming a suicide bomber is a personal decision that everyone must make in consultation with his or her personal doctor or mortician. You might want to look into our Junior Jihadi internship program where you can explore your suicide options.”
………….
“Jihadi Hotline.”
“Yes, my boyfriend all he talks about is ‘blow myself up this’ and ‘blow myself up that.’ It gets boring. How can I lighten him up?”
“Put a smile on your boyfriend’s face with a product from our sponsor: the Vesticide 2020, the latest and greatest in suicide vest gear. It’s guaranteed to work first time, every time. Don’t keep those 72 virgins waiting, try the Vesticide 2020 now. On sale at all Jihadi World outlets.”
“Thanks, great, anything to shut up my boyfriend.”
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“Jihadi Hotline.”
“Hello, my problem is that my son is not suicidal and not really into this whole jihad thing. He sits around and watches sports all day. My wife and I find it strange that he doesn’t want to kill Jews or blow stuff up. Where did we go wrong? How can we turn him into a jihadi?”
“I feel your pain. Your pajama boy has brought great shame on himself and his family. But it’s not too late for him to get on the straight and narrow suicidal path. I suggest getting him a Vesticide 2020 for Ramadan and have him start wearing it around the house to cheer everyone up. Good luck.”
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“Jihadi Hotline.”
“My name is Fatima, and I’m interested in joining the jihad. My problem is that suicide vests make me look fat. How can I blow myself and others up while still looking good?”
“You’re in luck. Jihadi World is now offering the Lady Vesticide, a slimmed down version for the woman who cares as much about her figure as she does about killing infidels.”
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“Jihadi Hotline.”
“Hello. I’m a jihadi newbie and am wondering when I launch an attack whether I should shout ‘Allahu Akbar’ or ‘Allah Akbar.’ I think the first one is more proper, but the second one is shorter. And when you pull the pin on a grenade, you don’t have a lot of …”
“You should say ‘Allahu.’ But if you’ve been holding the grenade without a pin in your hand for a while, you’re probably better off just going with ‘Allah.’ Hello? Are you there?”