10 Things You’ll Be Thankful For When Trump Becomes President

Jamie Weinstein Senior Writer
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Maybe Donald Trump is destined to be president.

After nearly six months on the campaign trail, the billionaire real estate and baseball cap mogul continues to lead in the polls and it appears there’s nothing he can say or do — no matter how grotesque or dishonest — that will lessen his appeal among his legions of supporters.

Frank Luntz conducted a focus group several months back and discovered Trump fans love him unconditionally. No matter what negative event or position Luntz tied Trump to, they still stood by him.

“What if I told you Donald Trump murdered your mother?” it seems Luntz basically could have asked. Trump’s fans would have likely replied: “Well, that sounds bad, but if Donald Trump murdered my mother, she must have done something to deserve it.”

And if Trump wins the Republican nomination, who is to say he can’t win the general election? He’s a master brander. How sure is anyone at this point that Trump can’t position himself to appeal to enough voters to win the White House?

Nothing is certain, of course. We are still two months away from when the first ballot is cast in the GOP primary. Perhaps Trump-mania will implode as voters begin to take a closer look at the race. Many political prognosticators believe Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are as likely to win the Republican nomination as Trump at this point, if not more so.

But it’s far from inconceivable that Trump continues to cruise. So on this Thanksgiving Day, it’s worth contemplating the reality that in a year we might be talking about President-elect Trump. In anticipation of that mind-boggling possibility, here are 10 things we all can look forward to in a Trump presidency:

10.) The prison diaries of Charles Krauthammer, George Will and Jonah Goldberg will almost certainly be riveting.

9.) Like Thanksgiving? Of course you do. How about a second Thanksgiving holiday to thank God for giving America Donald Trump? You better believe you’ll like that too.

8.) A Trump presidency will cure some of America’s most scandalous injustices, like the fact Donald Trump’s face has not yet been etched onto Mount Rushmore.

7.) Every American will get a free portrait of Donald Trump to hang in their house — even if they don’t want one. But you’ll hang it in a prominent place nonetheless — that is, unless you want to spend some quality time with Krauthammer, Goldberg and Will (who, if you haven’t surmised yet, will be spending the duration of the Trump administration in federal prison, on The Donald’s orders).

6.) With more access to the Trump administration than any other reporter, Matthew Boyle will finally get the recognition he deserves. Expect to see Boyle informing the country of all the “totally awesome” things “Mr. Trump” is doing every Sunday on “Meet the Press.”

5.) Handshaking will become a federal crime. Trump finds the practice unsanitary.

4.) Get ready for Attorney General Michael Cohen, who will also be getting a “Judge Judy”-type show to go along with his new position. (Editors note: This reality will probably be slightly less awesome for Daily Beast reporter Tim Mak, who Cohen once advised to “tread very fucking lightly” over a story he didn’t want Mak to write about Trump. Mr. Cohen threatened that if Mr. Mak didn’t follow his advice on exactly how to tread, “[W]hat I’m going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting.”)

3.) The State of the Union Address will actually be worth watching. Instead of outlining the president’s agenda for the coming year, President Trump will give an annual accounting of all the losers and haters in the country, as well as all the magazine covers he has appeared on over the last 12 months.

2.) Waterboarding’s back baby — and this time it’ll be nationally televised from the Oval Office.

1.) Out with Miss USA, in with Miss White House, where Trump’s smoking hot interns compete to be his next wife. This, like so many things in the Trump administration, will also be televised.

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