DC Trawler

So This Is What ‘The Bern’ Feels Like

Feels… surprisingly pleasant! If it’s bad for Hillary, it’s good for America. But if you had told me a year ago that I’d be relieved about an undisguised communist having a realistic shot at the White House…

As of the moment I clicked the Publish button on this post, the Democrats still hadn’t declared a winner in Iowa. Hillary gave a victory speech — because why not? — but if she does end up winning, it’ll be by the skin of her dentures. [Update: Hillary won by a whole five delegates.]

That’s right: coin flips. If you ask me, that’s how this whole thing should be decided. Forget the primaries. Forget the never-ending, soul-deadening campaign. Just flip a coin. The result couldn’t be any worse, and it sure would save a hell of a lot of time and money.

Anyway, it’s too close to call, and that’s why Hillary is suddenly the underdog. Right, NYT?

NYT_scrambles

Hilarious. All the news that’s fit to save face.

On the Republican side, Trump lost, which was momentarily satisfying. But he also gave a really boring concession speech, frustrating fans and foes alike. Either he’s genuinely humbled by his second-place showing, or he’s playing the rope-a-dope. Talk a lot of trash before stepping into the ring, and then let your opponent do all the work. Let him exhaust himself before taking him down.

Who knows? I sure don’t, and neither does anybody else but Trump. But as repulsive and obnoxious as he is, he hasn’t gotten this far by doing what’s expected of him. It’s way too early to count him out.

And if that’s Trump’s strategy, Ted Cruz sure is eager to play along. I haven’t checked yet, but I think Cruz may be wrapping up his victory speech any minute now. Jeez, Ted, rein it in a little. It’s a long way till November, and the idea is to make people like you.

I didn’t see Rubio’s “I’ll just pretend that third place is the winner” speech, but I’m glad it annoyed all the right people.

All in all, that wasn’t as bad as I expected. And if worst comes to worst, there’s still a possibility of a third party running away with the whole thing:

The good news is: Nobody knows anything.

That’s also the bad news.

P.S. Ladies and gentlemen: #StickerBoy.