DC Trawler

It’s Time For Some Common-Sense Phone Control

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Our children are in danger. Our children.

Allison Yang, WPIX:

The NYPD is urging people not to leave their cellphones near their beds because the phones could catch fire.

On Monday, the Deputy Inspector Wilson Aramboles of the NYPD’s 33rd Precinct tweeted a collection of ghastly pictures showing charred pillow cases, blackened bedding and burnt phones.

Trigger Warning: The Following Contains Graphic Images

Horrible. Frightening and horrible.

Sending out tweets isn’t enough to ensure our safety, though. It’s plainly obvious to any sane person what we need to do here:

We need to confiscate every single cellphone in the entire world.

No cellphones = No cellphone fires. Duh.

“B-b-but I use my phone responsibly! Why do you want to punish meeeeeeee??” Boo hoo. Nice try, phone nut. Why do you need to own something that’s so potentially destructive? Why do you want little kids to burn in their beds?

“But what if there’s a fire in my house for some other reason? Or what if somebody breaks in? Or some other bad thing that will probably never happen happens? How am I supposed to call for help without a phone?” Um, it’s called a window? Open it up and yell. That’s how your precious Founding Fathers did it, teabagger.

It’s time for the government to impose some #phonesense and make America a phone-free zone. For the children.

Jim Treacher