More Practical Wisdom: Fifty Massages You Should Probably Avoid

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When asked what one book he would want to have if stranded on a desert island, G.K. Chesterton famously replied “Thomas’ Guide to Practical Shipbuilding.” It’s his wit and wisdom that I hope to channel here in giving you something that is literally nothing if not practical advice. And you’ve probably gathered by now that it’s something I’m known for, practical wisdom. While you’d never know it from those revisionist historians over at VH-1’s Behind The Music, I’m the one who told The Dave Clark Five they could either keep their name or they could remain a quartet: they couldn’t do both.

Nor am I doing this for the money. Desperately lost twenty-some years ago on a road trip out west with Dionne Warwick, she must have heard me ask a hundred different people Do You Know The Way to San Jose? But you don’t see me claiming her for royalties, do you? Of course you don’t, because that’s not who I am. I’m not even going to mention the fifty or so Filet-O-Fishes she threw back on that trip, apparently hungrier than a pelican coming off a juice cleanse. Let’s just say that those sandwiches didn’t pay for themselves. That’s What Friends Are For, my a**.

No, mostly I’m doing this for you, my loyal reader. For recently I’ve recently received the following feedback: “love the stories, Mike – most of them, anyway – but what I really could use is guidance on massages to avoid. Not masseurs, which you’ve previously addressed, and not just in airports, which you’ve also covered, but anywhere. Also, you need to update your picture. The estate of Ludwig Van Beethoven called; it wants its look back.”

I haven’t had time to do much about the picture, but here is the list that so many of you requested. You’re welcome.

  1. Dances With Eucalyptus
  2. Hot, Pelted Rocks
  3. Man, I Love Your Feet
  4. The Safety Word Is Bruschetta
  5. Chattanooga Choke-Out
  6. Pregnancy Massage, Just Not How You Think
  7. Dangerously Hot Towels
  8. The Bavarian Can Slap
  9. Deemed Consent
  10. 44 Long Only
  11. Gassy Greg’s Involuntary Aromatherapy Massage
  12. The Denver Depilator
  13. Ye Olde Beat-Downe (Available Only in Williamsburg, Virginia)
  14. We’ve Got Tonight
  15. Over? I Decide When It’s Over
  16. We’re Trending!
  17. Let’s Get You Naked
  18. Steel Wool Sam and His Searching, Scouring Hands
  19. No Holds Barred
  20. You’re In My World Now
  21. Tourette Treatment
  22. Prison Rules
  23. Cold Hands, Depraved Heart
  24. What Just Happened?
  25. Ends With A Roundhouse
  26. All Of Me
  27. Extremely Hot Oil Massage
  28. Silent Scream
  29. Naked And Afraid
  30. Say It With Slaps
  31. Frontier Justice
  32. It Might Get Weird
  33. Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter
  34. There Will Be Blood
  35. Strangers No More
  36. The Camera Loves You!
  37. Your Tears Are My Massage Oil
  38. Deep Used-Tissue Massage
  39. The Sausalito Spatula
  40. No Stone Unturned (Not Available In Utah)
  41. These Boots Are Made For Walking
  42. Something To Cry About
  43. STFU
  44. Edward Scissorhands
  45. Silence Is Consent, And Keep Your Trap Shut
  46. Enter The Octagon
  47. Let’s Do This
  48. The Opposite Of A Saturday Evening Post Cover
  49. The Hobo Scrub
  50. Happy Ending
  51. Unhappy Ending