A hoax study purporting to show that women in the United States have the world’s largest breasts has taken the Internet by storm this week — particularly websites aimed at female American teenagers, which published the news as totally legit.
The fake study was published at some indeterminate point in the nonexistent “Journal of Female Health Sciences.”
(WARNING: The linked “study” is not gross, but it’s not safe for work. It features some pseudo-scientific naked boob images. There’s also a discussion of the many ways of measuring breast sizes — including the “Archimedes method,” which is exactly what it sounds like.)
American breasts come in first place — and also third place — because the seven — seven! — named authors of the hoax study differentiate between “Caucasian” and “non-Caucasian” American women.
As the table above shows, the fake study concludes — “concludes” — that women in the United States practically drive a motorboat around the rest of the globe when it comes to their amazingly large breast sizes. Ireland, the country closest in boob size that is not Canada — which, let’s face it, is pretty much an appendage of America — is nearly 700 boob volume milliliters behind.
Boob milliliters may or may not be real.
The seven authors of the hoax study claim to have studied the breasts of nearly 400,000 women in a slew of countries, by collecting subsets of national data about breast size.
The study says “Caucasian” women in the United States have a hefty, amazing average bra size surpassing a D-cup. “Non-Caucasian” women have an average bra size that is roughly a C-cup.
The made-up research suggests that average boob size is “large regardless of body weight, with even athletic and slim women being large-breasted.”
“Increasing knowledge of the breast size variation of women from different countries is needed as a guideline for example for the product development and targeting of marketing actions of clothing industry and cosmetic surgery providers,” the septet of groundbreaking scientists also recommend.
“As breast size is an import prestige factor in nearly all cultures, many behavioral psychologists recommend that people who travel abroad for the first time should be informed about the country-specific differences in the breast size,” the hoax researchers add.
But, sadly, no.
(In-story images: scientific breast size table by Eric Owens, Shutterstock: AXL, A K Photo, Hank Shiffman, wavebreakmedia)