DC Trawler

No More Mass Shootings: We Must Destroy All Guns On Earth Via Magic

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In 2016 America, it seems like not a day goes by without news of a mass shooting. Whether the shooters are racist white Tea Partiers, or whether their motives are unknown and unknowable, all of them have one thing in common: evil, evil guns.

Something must be done.

Here’s the latest example of guns killing people, from WOOD-TV in Grand Rapids, MI:

The Berrien County Courthouse will remain closed through Tuesday after two bailiffs were shot and killed during an inmate transfer Monday.

Sheriff Paul Bailey identified the court officers as Joseph Zangaro, 61, and Ronald Kienzle, 63…

The shooting happened around 2:15 p.m. at the courthouse on Port Street in downtown St. Joseph, after Gordon got into a fight with a deputy escorting him to a hearing, the sheriff said. He said the deputy had just secured the door of his holding cell when Gordon began fighting him and disarmed him. Bailey said the inmate wounded the deputy before shooting and killing Zangaro and Kienzle. Gordon made it to a third floor hallway where he shot the woman.

Investigators said Gordon also tried to take hostages before two other bailiffs and several other officers took him down. Gordon was shot and killed.

It goes without saying who’s really responsible here:

Why does the NRA want prisoners to steal cops’ guns and kill them?

An even better question: Why do guns exist at all?

Repealing the filthy Second Amendment isn’t enough. Making it tougher for law-abiding Americans to purchase guns isn’t enough. And petulantly tweeting about the NRA certainly isn’t enough.

We have to do what we should’ve done a long time ago: Employ powerful sorcerers to cast magic spells that banish every single gun on the planet. Wipe them all out. How can anybody shoot people if all the guns have been mystically dissolved, or transported to another dimension, or turned into pretty flowers?

(The exception to this would be the Secret Service, of course. The President of the United States and his family must be protected, even if their attackers are just armed with knives or clubs or whatever. Let’s not get crazy.)

I’m not sure what sort of payment we’d need to make to the wizards and warlocks and so forth. I mean, David Copperfield and J.K. Rowling are already loaded. They don’t need our money. We’d probably need to make some sort of blood sacrifice or sell our souls or something, I dunno. That’s why we’d need to set up a federal agency to study such things and implement them. Finally, our tax dollars would be doing some good.

We can call it the Bureau of Arms Dematerialization, or BAD. The hashtag will be #GunsAreBAD. It’ll be great.

This is a good plan and it’s going to work. If you disagree, you’ve been paid off by the NRA and the Koch brothers, and you want people to die. You should be shot in the head.