The Daily Caller has obtained a draft of a memo the Trump campaign will soon be releasing detailing the speaking schedule at the Republican National Convention next week in Cleveland.
The memo is revealed here for the first time, in its entirety, and without comment:
— July 15, 2016 —
A Note From Donald J. Trump On The Republican National Convention Schedule:
The Republican National Convention will be the most fabulous convention in the history of our country. And I don’t just mean most fabulous political convention. No real estate convention, medical convention or even pornography convention has ever put on an extravaganza quite like what you will see in Cleveland, believe me.
Don’t listen to the lyin’ media about convention speakers. My phone has been ringing off the hook with people who want to speak and help begin the process of Making America Great Again. We have more requests for speaking slots than probably any presidential candidate has ever had, that I can tell you. Far, far more than we can accommodate. Far, far more.
I am proud to announce that at the Donald J. Trump Republican nominating convention we will have a theme for each night, leading up to the nomination of me, Donald J. Trump, as the Republican nominee for President of the United States. So without further ado, I present to you with next week’s convention schedule. I think you are really going to like it.
Monday, July 18, 2016: A Night Of A Thousand Stars
For years, the first night of the Republican convention has put Americans to sleep. These conventions are always low energy, always boring. Is it any surprise they have led to election loss after election loss? Well, not this year. On the first night of convention, I will bring together some of the biggest and brightest stars in America: from sports stars to entertainment stars to sheriff stars to, yes, even Jewish stars.
At 7:00 p.m., we will feature some of the most popular sports stars in the country, all speaking to the greatness and leadership ability of Donald J. Trump. The speakers will include golf legend
Jack Nicklaus John Daley, NFL NBA world champion Tom Brady Dennis Rodman and one of greatest coaches pitchers this country has ever seen, the great Mike Ditka John Rocker.
At 8:00 p.m., get ready for a gathering of the toughest sheriffs in town, all sporting a beautiful sheriff’s stars (WHICH LOOKS NOTHING LIKE A STAR OF DAVID!!!). Among the sheriffs traveling to Cleveland to talk about Donald J. Trump are Joe Arpaio and [TBD].
The 9:00 p.m. hour will feature the biggest and most beloved celebrities in the country, all speaking on my behalf. Get ready for top stars like Scott Baio, Gary Busey, Tila Tequila and the hottest comedian in the country today, Tim Allen. I mean, is this a political convention or the Oscars?
At 10:00 p.m., the Donald J. Trump Republican convention will finally give the media the Jewish stars they have been kvetching about. That’s right, the Jews absolutely love me — and I love them! I’m going to be so great for Israel. We will protect it 100%. So day one will close out with what we are terming “Jew-a-palooza,” featuring some of America’s favorite Jews, like Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner and Rabbi Shmuley Boteach.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016: Educate America
As I’ve said, you wouldn’t believe the amount of people who wanted to speak at the convention this year. Probably more than any Republican convention in history. But as the former chancellor of the highly esteemed Trump University, I feel it is my duty to educate the public. I know the best words. I want to share them with the public. In lieu of naming him as my vice presidential nominee, I have given Chris Christie the important task of reading from a dictionary for four hours — from 7:00 p.m to 11:00 p.m. — live on the main stage.
And because I know how the media likes to spin things, I want to be clear: we are devoting a day to education because I am a big believer in education — not because I couldn’t find enough speakers. Believe me, I had speakers coming out of my eyes, my ears, my wherever. That I can tell you.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016: No More Political Correctness
We as a nation cannot afford to be politically correct any longer. We just can’t afford it, folks. So Wednesday we will host a night of tough truth telling.
In the 7:00 p.m. hour, I have asked a panel of world class experts on the female form to rate all the female delegates on a scale of 1-10 live on stage. Howard Stern, Mike Tyson and Hulk Hogan will join the convention in Cleveland to give us the hard truth on who’s hot and who’s not. Let’s face it, we may have some hotties, but we will definitely have a lot of notties. We just got to stop being politically correct, folks, and tell it like it really is.
Look, we all know Saddam Hussein was a bad guy, but let’s be honest, he knew how to do a couple of things right: He knew how to kill terrorists and he was one hell of an interior designer. We have to stop being politically correct, so even if you don’t feel sympathy for his death, you have to feel regret over the loss of his two boys, Uday and Qusay. I didn’t know them, but I hear they were really great kids. So in the 8:00 p.m. hour, my son Eric Trump will lead a public memorial service for them, something they never got at the time of their deaths. They never got one. Such a shame. (Time permitting, I will also grant House Speaker Paul Ryan some time for remarks this hour — but only on the topic of Uday and Qusay. This is their hour.)
To bring a little levity in the 9:00 p.m. hour, my youngest son Barron will perform a talent he has been working on, which some losers will likely deem politically incorrect. He will make armpit fart noises for your enjoyment while simultaneously asking in a Chinese dialect, “Who did that?”
Finally, closing out Wednesday night in the 10:00 pm hour, journalist Alex Jones and political strategist Roger Stone will reveal the results of their extensive inquiry into whether Ted Cruz’s dad actually killed John F. Kennedy. In the end, they will recommend whether a Trump Justice Department should indict or not. I give you my word, if elected president, I will take their recommendation. Political correctness won’t stop Donald Trump from seeking justice.
Thursday, July 21, 2016: It’s Trump Time
This is the moment everyone has been waiting for. It’s Time to Make America Great Again! Leading up to my convention speech, I have selected the people who know me best to speak in the lead up to my accepting the nomination.
In the 7:00 p.m. hour, the son of my late friend “Fat Tony” Salerno will explain the special bond I had with his father, and how we worked together to get done so many great projects.
In the 8:00 p.m. hour, the ghost of my longtime lawyer Roy Cohn will appear to speak to my character as only he can.
And in the 9:00 p.m. hour, we will have a very special appearance via video conference. The great leader of Russia, Vladimir Putin, will be with us to explain why he believes only Donald Trump can Make America Great Again.
Finally, in the 10:00 p.m. hour, it’s Trump time. Against my advisers’ wishes, I will be appearing live and uncensored. No teleprompter. No set speech. No notes. Just Trump. This is what America needs, folks.
As I said, this convention will be the greatest America has ever seen. I hope you will join me in Cleveland to Make America Great Again!
Donald J. Trump