Satire

6 Press Releases That Will Help Trump Overtake The News Cycle

(REUTERS/Gary Cameron)

Jamie Weinstein Senior Writer

Donald Trump used to be the master of diverting the media’s attention from an unpleasant story, but with the Melania Trump plagiarism story, he seems to have lost his mojo.

To help The Donald get his mojo back, here are 6 press releases in the spirit of his Muslim ban statement he should keep at the ready to issue when the next unpleasant story arises. When a story like Melania-gate next appears, all his people have to do is slap a date on one of these releases and watch the media scramble. You’re welcome, Donald.

DONALD TRUMP STATEMENT ON SUPPORT FOR CONSTITUIONAL AMENDMENT REINSTATING MIDGET TOSSING NATIONWIDE

“Donald J. Trump is calling for a constitutional amendment legalizing midget tossing — sometimes referred to as dwarf tossing — nationwide. In the 1970s and 1980s, everyone loved midget tossing, including and especially the midgets themselves. But then political correctness killed it. State by state began to ban the fun. Tall people aren’t prevented from using their height to make money as basketball players — why should midgets be denied the opportunity to use their height to make money in a different way? It’s just not fair. As president, Donald J. Trump will make it a priority to reverse the ban on midget tossing in many states by pushing a constitutional amendment to protect the practice all across the United States.” 

DONALD TRUMP STATEMENT ON THE NEED TO PREVENT SORCERY BY BURNING WITCHES

“Donald J. Trump is calling for the burning to death of witches. America faces many problems and many people believe that sorcery is a major cause of these problems. As president, Donald Trump will push for a return of the practice of burning witches at the stake. Mr. Trump will make America great again, but he can’t do so as long as witches roam the streets freely, using their sorcery to weaken our great country.” 

DONALD TRUMP STATEMENT ON ALSO SUPPORTING BURNING WIZARDS, WITH THE EXCPETION OF MR. WIZARD, WHO VERY MUCH LIKED DONALD TRUMP

“Donald J. Trump wants to make it very clear that his call for burning witches also applies to wizards as well. The dishonest mainstream media is distorting Mr. Trump’s call to stop sorcery by reinstating witch burning. Mr. Trump is in no way a sexist. In fact, he loves women and will take care of them so well as president. His call for witch burning always included wizards as well, with the exception of the children of Mr. Wizard, who are presumably also wizards. Mr. Trump knew Mr. Wizard well. Mr. Wizard only had nice things to say about Mr. Trump and Mr. Trump would never do anything to harm any wizards related to Mr. Wizard, who Mr. Trump is confidant are good wizards, not the bad ones hurting this country.”

DONALD TRUMP STATEMENT ON BANNING BLACKFACE

“Donald J. Trump is calling on Congress to ban the practice known as “blackface.” The blacks love Donald Trump and Donald Trump loves the blacks. The act of white people painting their face black to impersonate a black person like depicted in the 1986 movie “Soul Man” is absolutely disgraceful and has to stop. As president, Donald J. Trump will make sure this humiliation of the black community doesn’t happen anymore by pushing legislation to make it illegal.” 

DONALD TRUMP ON THE LAUNCH OF TRUMP TV

“Donald J. Trump is proud to announce the launch of Trump TV, a full spectrum multi-media company. Mr. Trump has found running for president against Hillary Clinton so easy that he actually has time for other ventures. He is also disturbed with the total bias against him and his family coming out of the dishonest mainstream media. Trump TV will serve as a place where Mr. Trump can talk directly to the American people, both as a candidate for president and when he is president.” 

DONALD TRUMP ON BANNING THE NAME DONALD TRUMP BEING USED BY OTHERS

“Donald J. Trump is calling for a ban on people using the name Donald Trump. Mr. Trump is an international icon the likes of which we have never seen before. When he is elected president, his iconic status will only soar even higher, beyond all imaginable comprehension. Because of this, Mr. Trump believes his name and brand need to be protected. As such, Mr. Trump is asking Congress to move immediately to bar people from naming their children Donald Trump, and require anyone who is currently named Donald Trump to change their name immediately to prevent confusion.”

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