Ted Cruz’s ‘Blossoming Sexual Obsession’

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The Daily Dealer Contributor
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As the political discussion revolves around Ted Cruz’s bold speech at the Republican National Convention, it’s about time we talk about Cruz’s “blossoming sexual obsession with the colors of the rainbow pride flag.”

What am I talking about? The acclaimed 4.9-star “crayon erotica parody” called “The Many Hues of Ted Cruz.” Here’s the plot:

Senator Ted Cruz is on the Presidential campaign trail, but losing focus and fast thanks to a blossoming sexual obsession with the colors of the rainbow pride flag. While at wits’ end for satisfaction, he crosses paths with a box of crayons in a convenience store and a night of passion ensues. Can these waxy lovers sate his colorful needs?

Wait. WHAT?!?

The cover is really something:

So this exists (Photo via Amazon)

So this exists (Photo via Amazon)

“The Many Hues of Ted Cruz: A Crayon Erotica Parody” — $6.99 Paperback

The commenters love this humor book, calling it “one of the funniest books ever!” Steven C. Bourgeois one even shared an excerpt:

His hotel suite met his personal approval rating. His suits hung pristinely in the closet like flat, headless Teds standing single file. The Gideon Bible had been removed from the drawer and placed on the pillow because no Bible deserved to be hidden in a drawer. The scene was very pedestrian. It was Tedestrian. Clean, white sheets hugged the mattress like the palest of sausage skins. He winced. So plain. So blank. He closed his eyes and dreamt of something better than white. Something prismatic. Swatches of color assaulted his imagination. A prism of pride dashed before his tightly clenched eyes. His teeth sparked. His heart pumped ultraviolet. His saliva glands ejaculated; not just with saliva, but with pleasurable pain. Ted’s eyelids lifted to reveal he had fallen back onto the crisp white sheets. A tacky wetness inflicted the front of his trousers. He had come. He was furious with himself for dropping the milk. Ted Time is supposed to happen on *Ted’s* Time! This stallion had lapped him. He’d missed it. Long gone. Yet, he knew the horse could be brought back around the track. He had been there many times before, so he knew he needed to work with it. He needed more than himself.

This is the real Ted Cruz story we should be talking about.

WATCH Cruz’s RNC Speech:

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Have a suggestion for a cool product or great deal that you think Daily Caller readers need to know about? Email the Daily Dealer at dealer@dailycaller.com.  

Follow The Daily Dealer on Twitter and Facebook

The Daily Caller is devoted to showing you things that you’ll like or find interesting. We do have partnerships with affiliates, so The Daily Caller may get a small share of the revenue from any purchase.

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