DC Trawler

Now You Can Feed On The Blood Of The Young

A lot of people say millennials are useless: They’re always staring at their phones, they listen to music that sounds like a robot getting raped down a flight of stairs, they think “Ghostbusters doesn’t look very good” is a microaggression, etc. “Goddamn millennials,” mutter the Americans who were alive when the Village People last had a top 10 hit.

I say this to my fellow oldsters: You’re wrong about millennials. They are useful! Ryan Cross, MIT Technology Review:

Ambrosia, a startup based in Monterey, California, is launching a clinical trial to inject the blood of young people into just about anyone aged 35 and up—if they’re willing to pay $8,000…

Ambrosia is planning on giving 600 patients four rounds of weekly blood infusions coming from 16- to 25-year-olds.

Peter Thiel has expressed an interest in this and other anti-aging therapies, presumably so he can torment Nick Denton until the end of time. For that reason alone, I’m all in favor.

The science is unproven, but we’ve all seen enough vampire flicks to get the gist of it. As long as it’s consensual, and the youthful bloodbags are being compentated to their liking, I say… Your body, your choice!

Besides, if young people didn’t want to be fed upon by their elders, they wouldn’t have voted for Obama. They’re going to pay for that mistake for the rest of their lives, so is it really that great a leap to literally suck out their blood?

Drink up, everybody!