Satire

Ryan Lochte: Sorry We Visited Your Olympic Fiasco, Took All The Medals, And Pissed On Your Floor

REUTERS/Hannibal Hanschke

Scoops Delacroix Freelance Writer

Olympic champion and renowned gas station vandal Ryan Lochte has responded to critics of his behavior while attending the Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. He provided this letter to The Daily Caller’s Scoops Delacroix Monday afternoon:

Hey Brazil,

It’s your boy, Ryan Lochte, Olympic mother-fucking Champ. My publicist told me after losing my Speedo endorsement I had to write this dumb ass apology letter, so here it goes:

I am sorry.

I’m sorry I came to your crime-ridden country, took gold in your feces-ridden pool and helped make Brazil interesting for something other than shrunken baby heads and murder.

I’m sorry I pissed on your shitty bathroom floor, because, let’s be honest, statistically speaking, it was probably shitty.

I’m sorry I broke that crap gas station’s door, which was probably built just as shoddily as those ratchet “apartments” you had Team USA stay in. Next time, make sure those closets have enough room for us to put our 121 collective medals in.

I’m sorry your cops are so monumentally corrupt that I could make up a completely bullshit story on the spot and convince the whole world of it. Hope they enjoy those Dollar Store badges, ’cause they are the closest thing they will come to getting a medal like yours truly.

Anyway, I gotta roll. Me and Phelpsy are gonna finish blazing this sweet dimebag of dank kush while remembering how we ran train on the swampy backwater you call a country.

Can’t #LochteMeUp!

Later fools,

Ryan Lochte, Champion