DC Trawler

ISIS Wants To Make Soccer Interesting

If there’s anything I hate more than terrorism, it’s the un-American pastime of soccer. We’re constantly reminded that it’s the most popular sport in the world, as if America’s refusal to submit to it isn’t evidence of our greatness. Sorry, world, but we don’t care about your stupid little sport for jerks. We care about our stupid little sports for jerks.

That said, I like that the innovative thinkers at the Islamic State are putting a new twist on the game. James Dunn, Daily Mail:

ISIS has banned referees from one of its strongholds in Syria because they uphold the rules of FIFA and not Sharia law…

ISIS bosses claimed some FIFA rules are ‘a violation of Allah’s command and the Sunnah,’ although it is unclear exactly which ones defy Islamic laws upheld by the militants.

They have also written a new set of rules which allow an injured player to claim compensation or exact revenge on their opponents under Sharia law, the SOHR reports.

Look, I’m not down with ISIS or anything, but this doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. There’d be a lot fewer injuries in contact sports if the players all knew they might get beheaded or blown up. Play nice, kids.

On second thought, maybe that’s not going far enough. Incorporating Sharia law into the game might actually make me want to watch a soccer match. Those guys aren’t doing anything with their hands anyway, so why not give them scimitars and Kalashnikovs? 1-0 would be not only an acceptable final score, but an acceptable number of surviving players. Would you really miss any of them? I mean, they’re soccer players.

You still suck, ISIS, but I can’t hate you for this. I’d encourage you to Make Soccer Great Again, but it was never great. More like Make Soccer Watchable, Finally.

(Hat tip: Trump speechwriter Stephen Miller)