DC Trawler

Sign Of The Apocalypse: Twin Pandas Born At Atlanta Zoo

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As we all know, animals are dumb. Unless an animal can make itself useful as a pet, a mode of transportation, or a tasty meal, I have no use for it. But even among the filthy vermin of the animal kingdom, one creature should be singled out for particular ridicule: the panda.

Pandas are fat, they’re stupid, they eat nothing but bamboo, and they’re so disgusting that even other pandas don’t want to have sex with them. That’s why it’s such big news whenever a panda successfully gives birth. And if it’s twins, and it’s on American soil, well whoop-de-freakin’-doo:


The stupid idiot panda mom’s name is Lun-Lun, and the twins’ names are I Don’t Care and Who Gives a Crap They’re Pandas.

I’m not saying pandas should be allowed to die out, but would it really affect your life that much? When was the last time you even thought about pandas? When was the last time a panda did anything to help anybody? At least dogs can find missing children by scent, and elephants can carry heavy things, and rabbits can be trained to attack Jimmy Carter. Good luck getting a dopey panda to do anything useful. It’ll just sit there on its fat ass, chewing bamboo and making everybody dumber just by looking at it.

Go away, pandas. We don’t want you around here anymore. We never did.

P.S. They were just taken off the endangered species list. I hope this means Panda Express will update their menu.

P.P.S. Harambe was awful too, and I’m glad he’s dead.