DC Trawler

Vote Trump, Because Hannity Has A Brown Belt

Up until now, I’ve been pretty arrogant about dismissing Donald Trump. “I’m not voting for that guy, or pretending it’s a good idea to vote for that guy,” I’d sneer, as I probably cashed my huge checks from the shadowy forces secretly paying me to say such awful things. “What can those dumb Trumpkins do about it? Nothing!” Then I’d undoubtedly throw back my head and cackle like a madman at their pathetic attempts to stop me.

But that was then. Now it’s different. Now I know better. Now I’m falling in line with all the rock-ribbed conservatives on Team Trump.

Why? ‘Cause I don’t want to mess with Sean Hannity and his sick ninja skillz. Oliver Darcy, Business Insider:

Fox News host Sean Hannity boasted on Tuesday afternoon about his martial arts skills while warning the Never Trump movement against criticizing him.

“They’ve all taken shots at me first,” Hannity said on his radio show of conservative media members like radio host Glenn Beck, National Review Editor Rich Lowry, and columnist Jonah Goldberg.

He continued: “I’m a counter-puncher. I punch back. Now working toward my black belt … finally got my brown belt. If you hit me, come at me, I’m really going to hurt you.”

You can listen to the audio at Mediaite. Hannity quickly followed that up with, “And I don’t mean ‘hurt’ in a physical sense. This is verbal combat, fun warfare.” But I get the message. I’m not taking any chances. I mean, this dude has a brown belt. In karate!

Please don’t sweep the leg, Seany.

So if it means keeping Sean Hannity’s footprints off my fat face, I guess I’m on the Trump Train now. Woot woot. Mr. Trump is definitely gonna build a wall and make the Mexicans pay for it. He’s gonna kick out all the Muslims (except Dr. Oz, who’s one of the good ones). He’s gonna #MAGA like you won’t believe, believe him. He’s gonna show all those stupid liberals that taxpayers are tired of footing the bill for a bunch of–


Um. Well, Mr. Trump probably doesn’t mean it, right? He just has to say these things to get elected. He’s sincere about the things I want to believe, and he doesn’t really mean the things I don’t want to believe. Yeah, yeah, that’s how I can justify this. Whew.

Besides, if you don’t vote for him, it’s the same thing as voting for Hillary. That’s just logic, people.

Trump 2016: He Probably Doesn’t Mean It

P.S. Move over, Chuck Norris.