I keep seeing all these stories about creepy clowns freaking people out, but it hasn’t really bothered me because I’m not scared of clowns. Mimes, yes, but not clowns. Now the whole thing has gone too far, though. Now it’s personal.
McDonald’s says Ronald McDonald is keeping a low profile with reports of creepy clown sightings on the rise.
McDonald’s Corp. said Tuesday that it is being ‘thoughtful in respect to Ronald McDonald’s participation in community events’ as a result of the ‘current climate around clown sightings in communities’…
The burger chain’s decision comes after a rash of pranks around the country that have involved eerie clown sightings.
So if you were looking forward to meeting Ronald, you’ll have to wait until all this clown heat has died down.
UPDATE!!!
Okay, forget what you just read. Clearly, this is just a cover story. The real reason for Ronald McDonald’s retreat from public life is that some very disturbing tape has just been unearthed.
Back in 2005, Access Hollywood host Billy Bush went to McDonaldland, the magical place where Ronald McDonald and all his cheerful friends live, to tape a segment for the show. It was an uneventful visit, but now I have an EXCLUSIVE TRANSCRIPT of some backstage audio that will shock you.
WARNING: Unsuitable for children, so send them to the ball pit
Billy Bush: Damn, dawg, thanks for letting us hang out with you. This place is off the chain. The Fry Guys are lookin’ good!
Ronald McDonald: When I see some beautiful fries… Here, hand me some of those honey-mustard packets, just in case I start dipping ’em.
BB: Suh-WEET, bro!
RM: I don’t even wait. And when you’re a clown, they let you do it. See the Hamburglar over there? I just grab ‘im by the buns.
BB: The Ronald scores!
RM: This is literally my land, and I can do whatever I want. Officer Big Mac, those two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions… I can do anything.
BB: [oafish, incomprehensible jabbering]
RM: Mayor McCheese, I hit that on the reg. And just before you showed up, I cornered Grimace behind the Apple Pie Trees and just started–
[AUDIO ENDS]
What does this mean for Mr. McDonald’s 2016 presidential campaign? Does this prove, once and for all, that we live in a Shamrock Shake culture? Stay tuned!