DC Trawler

For Some Reason, Lots Of People Suddenly Want To Know How To Write In A Presidential Candidate

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We’re told that this election is a binary choice: You can either vote for the shady old lying white fatso with decades’ worth of scandals, or you can vote for the exact same thing with a different set of genitals. Pick one. That’s all you get.

But what if there were another way? Some small glimmer of hope? What if you could walk out of the voting booth on Nov. 8 without feeling like you just got sexually assaulted by a power-mad tyrant telling you to keep your trap shut if you know what’s good for ya?

Juana Summers, CNN:

Americans have expressed deep misgivings about both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton throughout the course of the presidential race. This week, their distaste is showing up in their search behavior.

Google Trends data indicates that the online searches for “write-in” surged over the last week by more than 2,800%, hitting a record high since 2004. The states with the highest rates of search are not battlegrounds, but Republican and Democratic strongholds.

Those states are: Vermont, Delaware, New Jersey, Utah, and my home state of Indiana.

And yesterday I was among those Hoosiers searching for an escape hatch. For a while now I’ve been joking that I’m going to write in John McAfee — “Hey, if you want me to throw in my lot with a lunatic businessman, I ain’t messin’ around” — but now I’ve found a candidate who’s actually worth my vote:

I like this Evan McMullin guy. I’m still learning about him, but from what I’ve seen he’s smart, informed, focused, articulate, civic-minded, conservative, almost ridiculously wholesome, and clearly at peace with his male pattern baldness.

In other words, he’s the anti-Trump.

If it turns out McMullin has a closet full of sexual-assault accusers, I guess I’ll have to rethink my vote. But for right now, I’m leaning toward this guy.

Plus, there’s a slim but not negligible chance that he could win his home state of Utah. Y’know, that other state where everybody’s trying to figure out how to write in a candidate.

Futile? Maybe. But if you want me to vote for a guy with no chance of winning, I’d prefer to be able to sleep at night.

Besides, nothing about this election has been business as usual. The rulebook is out the window. And in 2016, 26 days is plenty of time to spread the word to a depressed, demoralized American public.

You want an outsider? Here’s one who doesn’t make you want to puke your guts out.

…Or, just go ahead and do what you’re told. Yeah, that’s probably for the best. Why think for yourself? Just take what they give you. And make sure to thank them for it.