FINALLY: Scientists Make Booze Out Of CO2

Now that I’ve reached the Acceptance stage of Election 2016 (see Kübler-Ross), I’ve been freed of all cravings for alcohol. I don’t need it anymore, because the bad feelings have all gone away. But not everybody is so lucky. Some people still have emotions. Some people still have souls. They need alcohol to survive, and the next four years ain’t gonna be easy.

Fortunately for them, we have Science.

Avery Thompson, Popular Mechanics:

Scientists at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory in Tennessee have discovered a chemical reaction to turn CO2 into ethanol, potentially creating a new technology to help avert climate change…

The researchers were attempting to find a series of chemical reactions that could turn CO2 into a useful fuel, when they realized the first step in their process managed to do it all by itself. The reaction turns CO2 into ethanol, which could in turn be used to power generators and vehicles.

Yeah, I suppose it could. Or, if you don’t want to waste it, you could let people drink it. Time to start thinking about something called the bigger picture, scientists!

Here’s one of these nerds talking about stuff nobody cares about because we just want more booze:

These geeks say people shouldn’t drink the resulting alcohol “without further purification” because it could be poisonous. Um, the last time I checked, this was the United States of America. Ethanol was good enough for good ol’ Ben Franklin. It’s good enough for us.

Global warming is fake, but the panic over global warming isn’t. And to blot it out, people need that sweet, sweet liquor. Do the right thing, Science.