DC Trawler

Panda Picks Fight With Snowman, Loses

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“Durrrrr, I’m a panda! Lookit me! Doyyyyyyyy!!!”

Animals are dumb and I hate them because they’re our enemies. (With the exception of dogs, because everybody but Obama knows they’re not for dinner.) Yes, I get it, “biodiversity,” yadda-yadda. Fine. But if I had one magic wish, if I got to pick one animal I could erase from the earth with a snap of my fingers, it’d be the dirty, disgusting panda.

Why do we abide these repugnant monsters to live? They have to be taught how to reproduce, they only eat filthy sticks with no nutritional value, and Jack Black has made them redundant. They’re an evolutionary dead end, and the planet would be well quit of them. I’ve hated pandas ever since I arose from my bed of pain to go see them at the National Zoo back in 2010, and they were too lazy to even get up.


But we keep them around because they do stuff like this. Courtesy of the Toronto Zoo:

That’s a good way to end up with a broken neck, stupid. Maybe next time.

Oh, don’t give me that crap about how cute they are. I mean, okay, arguably true. But you know who else was cute? Baby Hitler. Wouldn’t you kill Baby Hitler if you could? I certainly would. But then, I actually care about the planet I live on.

Do the right thing, humankind: Kill the pandas. Before they kill us.

(Hat tip: Gabriel Malor, who calls pandas “dumb animated sacks of sand.” I’d have gone with a different word beginning with “s,” but that’s a good one.)