DC Trawler

Ringling Bros Folds Up Its Tent

Like I always say (and I do mean always), animals are dumb. They are the greatest enemies of mankind, and I only tolerate their existence for three purposes: pets, food, and/or transportation. Otherwise, those repulsive beasts are on their own. Sorry, Cecil.

But some recent news has made me reconsider that stance. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I should also value animals as… a mode of entertainment!

Robert Donachie reports:

Ringling Brothers & Barnum and Bailey circus announced Saturday that it will hold its final performance in May after 146 years of performances…

Feld said that “ticket sales,” have been declining for some time, and after “the transition of the elephants off the road, we saw an even more dramatic drop.”

As one of the greatest rock bands of the 20th Century once sang: Don’t know whatcha got… till it’s gone.

I guess I’m not current on my circus news, but when did Ringling Bros. stop using elephants? Is this PETA’s meddling again? You’d think those beast-huggers would be grateful that somebody’s keeping those animals fed and teaching them how to be useful to humans. How about a thank you? But noooooooo.

Well, maybe Ringling can sell those elephants to Joss Whedon. He seems to have a sudden interest in such large endangered animals. Just don’t ask what he plans to do with ’em.

If you still want to see filthy animals subjugated by their betters, as nature intended, you can always go to your nearest zoo. As long as those lowly creatures behave themselves, we’ll keep them safe in their cages. That’s how magnanimous we are. (Sorry, Harambe, but you had your chance and you blew it.)

And don’t worry about the other circus performers. Once Ringling shuts down, they’re releasing all the clowns into their natural habitat: the woods. If you spot a clown in a forest near you, don’t panic. He’s just as scared of you as you are of him. Just back away slowly, but get ready to run if he pulls out his bulb horn.