DC Trawler

People Aren’t Illegal, But Cutting Off Your Mom’s Head Sure Is

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As you read the following item, try to keep the real issue in mind: How those dirty Republicans will try to use it to their advantage.

Chuck Ross reports:

An 18-year-old man who beheaded his mother in a small North Carolina town on Monday is an illegal alien, The Daily Caller has learned.

Oliver Mauricio Funes Machado was taken into custody after police say he decapitated his 35-year-old mother, Yesenia Funes Beatriz Machado, in their home in Franklin County.

Machado, a Honduran national, was found holding a large butcher knife in one hand and his mother’s head in the other.

I don’t want to sound racist or anything, but that sure does seem suspicious.

With all due respect to my colleague Chuck Ross, do you see the mistake he made here? The story isn’t that an illegal alien is accused of beheading his own mother. The story is that an undocumented immigrant is accused of beheading his own mother. The term “illegal alien” implies that there’s something illegal and alien about moving to another country without obeying that country’s laws. Nothing could be further from the truth! Immigrants are good, whether they go to the trouble of doing it the right way or not. Legal, illegal, whatever. Laws only apply to the enemies of the left.

Regardless, let’s not jump to conclusions about young Mr. Machado until we can prove he actually did this. Any number of things could’ve happened here. How do we know he wasn’t framed by Trump supporters to further their racist agenda? For that matter, how do we know President Trump himself isn’t behind this? After all, he’s responsible for all of America’s other problems since the election. And before the election, for that matter.

Hang in there, Oliver. Don’t let these anti-American racists get you down. Try to stay calm, and don’t lose your–

Well, you know what I mean. If you speak English, that is. Although it’s perfectly okay if you don’t. On behalf of Americans everywhere: Lo siento.