Editor’s note: This is a satirical article.
Among his plethora of superhuman responsibilities, Jared Kushner “The All Wise” and Grand Vizier of the Trump Administration was given sweeping authority by the President to direct his vast business acumen towards transforming our goat rodeo-like government into an administrative utopia.
Kushner’s team solutioned this problem by idea showering out-of-the-box approaches and concretizing new paradigms and preppy-ready projects.
The Kushnerettes did a deep dive, drilling down for added granularity and workshoping concepts to contextualize the necessary deltas in government procedures and rightsizing the administrative ecosystem while synergizing impacted stakeholders.
Capturing key learnings after dialoguing with other White House tiger teams, the Jared-clones leveraged core competencies and marinated best practices. Visioned outcomes were disambiguated and cleansed of pucker factoids and zombie projects.
The Dweeb Team decisioned a scalable, holistic and robust implementation that could wash its own face, where cost savings were baked-in. Low hanging fruit allowed for some quick wins incentivizing empowered and intrepreneured employees to architect additional solvings and vector appropriate cross-pollinations, all without scope creep.
After running the numbers, the Wonk Squad admitted that, despite its blue sky thinking, the effort was not without its hard stops. The team had to punt on a few issues and some ideas had to be cold-toweled because they could not be proceduralized. “A bit like putting socks on an octopus,” quipped Kushner.
Recognizing it is time to take a bite from the reality sandwich, Jared’s Gaggle of Geeks operationalized derecruitment of zerotasked or workers otherwise lost in the sauce, though carefully avoiding wrongsizing certain demographics. Those agencies auspiced by the President were disintermediated. “We had to punch the puppy on that one,” said one in-house consultant who wished to be anonymized.
When reached for comment, Kushner noted:
“You can’t have your cake and eat it, so you have to step up to the plate and face the music. Right now we have a fenestration of opportunity to open the kimono on government operations. Clearly, in the past we lacked sufficient pre-thinking, pre-preparing, forward planning, and also in addition, knowledge density. The President expects binary answers. In order to onboard him, get his buy-in and gain his agreeance on core values, we need to demonstrate a capability to move the needle and provide continuous updation. The takeaway is that we are singing from the same hymn sheet, peeling the onion to get in the weeds and bootstrap the government.”
“I’m amped,” said Kushner.
Lawrence Sellin, Ph.D. is a retired US Army Reserve colonel, an IT command and control subject matter expert, trained in Arabic and Kurdish, and a veteran of Afghanistan, northern Iraq and a humanitarian mission to West Africa. He receives email at firstname.lastname@example.org.