There are few things to look forward to on Monday but ABC’s The Bachelorette is definitely one of them.
There’s nothing more satisfying then sinking into the couch with a glass of wine and watching 31 grown men vie for the love of one woman in hopes of getting fame – I mean engaged – after two months. The Mirror tuned into this weeks episode of The Bachelorette, and has all the juicy gossip covered for you.
If there’s one thing ABC does right its give viewers what they want. I mean, we all want to see “The Bachelorette” Rachel Lindsay fall in love, but let’s be honest with ourselves. The real reason we watch this shamefully addicting show is to make fun of guys who have nothing better to do than compete in what might be the biggest power struggle of their sad lives.
Naturally, the show opened with Kenny, the macho wrestler, and Lee, the epitome of an uneducated white southern man with an awful haircut, butting heads. Their conversation went a little like this:
Kenny: Lets have a calm talk.
Lee: You were aggressive to me so I told Rachel.
Kenny: You’re a little snake. You just slither around. Snake.
Lee: *racist comment*
Kenny: You’re a snake.
Lee: *racist comment*
Say “snake” one more time Kenny, please.
Anyway, Lee continued to dig his own grave and prove he is single handedly the biggest asshole in America by accusing Kenny of playing the “race card.” Does Lee even know what the “race card” means?
He will when Kenny beats his white ass…maybe?
The one-on-one from hell
Meanwhile, Rachel went on what might be the most painful date of U.S. history. To say Jack has zero social cues would be an understatement. The so-called lawyer with extremely white teeth kissed Rachel and she literally pulled away and was like nah, I’m sick. After he straight up got rejected, Jack translated that failed kiss to the moment he and Rachel basically fell in love.
He also has a very strange admission: He says the most nerve-wracking experience of his life was talking to Rachel on the first night they met.
Jack got progressively more creepy throughout the date, hitting rock bottom when he told Rachel on his version of an ideal date he would get rid of everything in the room except the bed, lock the doors and just lay in bed staring at her. Mind you, all this was said with his head tilted down, eyebrows raised and a wide toothy grin plastered on his face. I’m confused. Jack could have literally said I’d take you to McDonald’s and that would have been a better answer.
When Rachel couldn’t stand to look at Jack’s creepy face for another minute, she held the rose up to his face and then said no thanks, bye. To this day, Jack is probably still wondering where he went wrong and Rachel is probably still waiting for her restraining order to go through.
That night Rachel ditched the cocktail party because she already knew what guys were husband material and naturally Lee was one of them. At the rose ceremony, Rachel kicked out Jonathon (a.k.a. Tickle Monster) — who asked if he could have “one for the road,” meaning one tickle and Iggy, who looks like the Hawaiian guy from 50 First Dates. Iggy’s crying was truly terrible. Then she told the guys they would be leaving the romantic city of Hilton Head for Oslo, Norway. Cue the breathtaking shots of the charming city and the classic “I’m on top of the world” shout by the men. Is it just me, or is that phrase featured in every Bachelor/ette season ever?
The one-on-one from heaven
Rachel’s first one-on-one date was with one of the few normal contestants. Rachel and Bryan, the chiropractor, made out, rappelled down the Olympic ski jump, made out, talked about Bryan’s teenage acne insecurity, made out, oh and made out. They may have had the most awkward kiss in “Bachelorette” history as they were suspended in mid-air. On one hand, Bryan is such a catch. If I were here, I’d end the show right now. On the other, their kisses are kind of gross. The frontrunner got a rose and mouth workout. You know, typical “Bachelorette” things.
The HANDsy group date
The group date was pretty uneventful. The guys wore some ugly tight onesies and played handball in an indoor gymnasium. Welcome to Norway.
Josiah got jealous because Peter was more focused on Rachel’s ass than their competitive game of handball. He says out loud that he wants a literal piece of her ass. Shocker. For the rest of the date it was pretty much the Rachel and Peter show. While the two were overlooking the city at night, Rachel suggested they go suck face in the hot tub thats conveniently set up on the balcony. Peter was like, sure, let me just strip down to my bathing suit I happened to wear under my suit. Smooth transition ABC, real smooth.
The night couldn’t end before Josiah completely freaked Rachel out by telling her he knows they are meant to be together forever. He says he wants to grow old with her. She responds by telling him he never asks her any questions and she doesn’t really feel like he’s trying to get to know her. She also thinks his lines are a little too smooth. The truth is, he doesn’t want to grow old with her. He wants her ass.
He cracked on President Trump‘s hands: “I don’t got them Donald Trump hands. I have real hands. Know what I’m saying?”
Rachel basically said thanks for the make out sesh Peter, but I’m gonna give this group date rose to Will, whose eyebrows are glistening. In fact, everyone looks so sweaty. Better luck next time.
Kenny vs. Lee final showdown
Back at the mansion, Kenny and Lee are preparing for their impending two on one date. Kenny wept while video chatting his daughter. Lee admired his gold spray-painted cowboy boots while reading a book about Norway. I’m sorry, what?
ABC decides the perfect setting for this dramatic date is in the middle of the Norwegian forest in freezing temperatures with nothing but some fur blankets – probably from the animals Lee hunted in his youth. So, a pitiful Kenny, a racist Lee and a confused Rachel are dropped off in the field to braid each other’s hair and solve this whole misunderstanding.
First, Kenny went off with Rachel and told her how much he felt for her. Then Lee chatted with Rachel and invented a story about how Kenny laid his hands on him. Rachel’s basically just like get me the hell out of the forest its cold as f***, but now she’s forced to stick around and play Sherlock Holmes to get to the bottom of this issue. When Rachel told Kenny what Lee said, Kenny literally lost his shit. I mean he went awol. I’m talking freaky cackling noises and strange metaphors comparing himself to an ocean.
Producers play this right — they leave Kenny and Lee alone for what seemed like forever. Where was Rachel — taking a potty break? Heightening the tension to the point where these two guys beat the hell out of each other?
At this point, if I were Rachel, I would just jump in the lake and try to swim back to America.
In true “Bachelorette” fashion, the episode ended with a major cliffhanger of what looked like Kenny storming across the field about to smack Lee back to whatever Southern state he came from. How is this even a date? RIP Lee.
Except a preview shows blood pouring out of Kenny’s forehead.
So now we’re forced to watch Part II tonight.
Stay tuned…