Republican, Beer-Drinking Bro Seeks Roommate ‘Who Doesn’t Suck’

REUTERS/Aaron P. Bernstein

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Robert Donachie Capitol Hill and Health Care Reporter

A Republican, beer-drinking D.C. bro is seeking a roommate who “doesn’t suck.”

Thomas, a 25-year-old recent graduate of American University law school, posted an ad on Craigslist Thursday for an available room in his 790-square-foot, two bedroom apartment in the Petworth neighborhood of Washington, D.C.

After his former roommate decided that it was better to move in with his girlfriend than live in a stronghold of millennial masculinity, Thomas was left “holding the bag,” he told The Daily Caller News Foundation.

Apparently, some people prioritize their lady friends over living with other men who enjoy “drinking at inappropriate hours and talking shit about the New England Patriots.”

A self-proclaimed “student-debt-drowning millennial stereotype,” Thomas has a job working in criminal defense and enjoys many of the same things most young men and women in the D.C. area, or America, love to do for fun. Thomas likes drinking beer, going out, smoking hookah, cordially discussing politics, “weeping silently” in his room “in anticipation of Bar Exam results and all sorts of other cool shit.”

If you are a newcomer to the swampland known as the District, never fear missing out or getting lost because Thomas took the D.C. tour guide exam. “I can definitely show your transplant ass around,” he wrote in the ad.

The apartment has many intriguing features and amenities including so many windows that one essentially lives in a “glass house,” but that should not be cause for alarm. “Feel free to throw all the motherfucking stones you want, ’cause we’re up real high and nobody can throws that far,” Thomas wrote.

In addition to the copious amounts of natural light, the available room includes a “sweet-ass” private bathroom with a high-pressure shower guaranteed to “blast all the grime of the Swamp off you in seconds.” The apartment also has an in-unit washing and drying machines. “You can wash things whenever the hell you want, because America,” Thomas wrote.

For those who consider Metro accessibility the top priority for housing, Thomas says this apartment is only two blocks from the nearest metro station. A Safeway grocery store is smack dab in between the apartment and the metro station. But, if you aren’t into “cramming your ass full of preservatives and high-fructose corn syrup,” there is an organic market one block in the other direction.

Once you’ve procured your various meats, vegetables, “tofu or whatever too if that’s your thing,” you can access the building’s rooftop grill at any hour of day or night all year long.

If you are the health nut who wants only organic food, you might also want to hit the gym now and again. There is a free gym membership that is only a five-minute drive from the apartment building.

The only caveat, Thomas adds, is he is a Republican who “will occasionally say nice things about our President.” If that is a major problem, or complete deal-breaker, Thomas understands and would point you towards one of the many communes in the D.C. neighborhood of “Tenleytown.”

Thomas is respectful of others possessions and not judgmental. He’s just looking for someone to help share the burden of paying rent.

“I don’t give a shit about your race, sex, gender, who you like to screw, your stance on our President, or PCs vs. Macs, or fucking whatever,” he wrote. “Just help me pay my rent on time, and be able to pass a routine credit check, and don’t be some kind of diddler that can’t pass a background check from the leasing company.”

Those wishing to apply need only contact Thomas through his ad on Craigslist. Just make sure to include in the subject line of the email, “Make Petworth Great Again.” That way he will know you are not a robot, “or a damn Commie.”

The ad can be accessed by clicking the link here.

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