There is a tragic epidemic sweeping across America, and we must use any and all resources at our disposal to end it as quickly as possible.
Attractive women hiding their assets and bodies behind one piece swimsuits is a global problem that has reached the shores of America, and whenever a threat reaches the homeland Americans must do what we do best: bust some skulls (metaphorical in this case) and take names. (SLIDESHOW: 72 Times Sara Underwood Went Topless)
We must defend our homeland no matter what the costs. I will fight a million wars on a million different fronts if it means models and all other hot women throw all their one-piece swimsuits in a trash can and burn them to the depths of hell. (SLIDESHOW: 30 Times Abigail Ratchford Went Topless)
Take a look at this garbage sweeping the internet and our beaches. Even model Emily Ratajkowski got in on the trend.
Those photos are absolutely ridiculous and unacceptable. Do I need to remind you all what we’re fighting to get back in America? If so, here’s what women in bikinis look like, just in case you forgot.
Now, please don’t get this situation twisted. I’m not encouraging every single woman to run out to the store and buy the tiniest bikini they can find. All I’m saying is that some women are genetically blessed, and this fact should be celebrated. LeBron James is genetically gifted as a basketball player and nobody told him it’d be better if he played soccer, which is the one-piece swimsuit of the sports world. People watch it but we’d prefer if we didn’t have to.
As a man with a gut built over years of Miller Lite and little exercise I understand we’re not all the same. That’s how you know I’ll always give it to you straight. LeBron James is more athletic than I am. I’m man enough to admit this fact.
If I’m man enough to admit LeBron James is more worthy of a spot on an NBA roster than myself, then can the rest of the world simply admit that if you’re a model it should be illegal for you to show in the beach in anything other than a bikini?
America has fought through dark times in the past, and yet, we always find a way to win. I have no doubts at all in my mind that if we join together we can end this cancer on our society and return to the days of attractive women prancing around on the beach, while soaking up as much sun as possible in as little clothing as possible.
Rise up, America, and we will win this fight together.