DC Trawler

Shia LaBeouf Is Really Sorry About Everything, America

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It’s been quite a year for noted thespian and artbro Shia LaBeouf. He started 2017 by getting chased around the world by 4Chan kids in MAGA hats and Pepe masks. He attacked a guy for trolling him IRL, but the charges were dropped. He starred in a movie that sold exactly three tickets in the UK. He got kicked out of a bowling alley because they wouldn’t serve him french fries. He’s been having a really bad time.

And now he’s really done it. He’s committed the gravest sin possible in America: He was racist toward a black person.

Now, after months of public lunacy, Shia is apologizing:

It’s one thing to run around getting drunk as hell and yelling at people and getting into fistfights. Hollywood is cool with that, especially if you do so while expressing the preferred political opinions. But being racist toward black people? On tape? That’s not gonna fly. Just ask Mel Gibson. Ask Michael Richards.

Maybe his apology is sincere. But it seems to me I’ve heard it all before, when he got busted for plagiarism. Then it turned out his apology was… wait for it… plagiarized! So I doubt his sincerity. He’s saying what he thinks everybody wants to hear, but I don’t think he’s going to stop being a drunken public nuisance.

I hope I’m wrong, but I’m willing to bet: He will not imbibe less.

P.S. I just remembered this interview from 2014. At the time, it kind of made me like him more, or at least dislike him less. But now it seems like less of a funny drinking story than a cry for help. This has been going on for years.

Shia LaBeouf on His Arrest | Jimmy Kimmel Live by CheckFA