It’s almost Halloween, which is undoubtedly the spookiest time of the year.
It’s also 2017, which is the scariest time in human history. Grim reapers run rampant in DC. Slave owners run the NFL. And it seems like there’s a Russian spy or a Macedonian content farmer lurking in every dark alley.
So here we are, lucky enough to witness a spookiness equinox. Halloween fright is almost perfectly equal to that of political fear levels.
What a tremendous time to be alive.
Part of what makes America so uniquely great is that our Halloween costumes double as cultural commentary. What better way to examine the general American attitude than to take a completely random, totally unbiased sample of our costumes?
First, there’s the Caitlyn Jenner costume. It took a lot of heat in 2015 after the Olympic athlete came out as transgender, but is still holding strong as a popular costume this year.
Please don’t do that. :/ Not a funny joke. https://t.co/nfgsNmtl7c
— Carlen Lavigne (@clavigne) October 22, 2017
Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with dressing like Cait. This getup looks like a pretty accurate representation of her. She’s even been quoted saying she doesn’t care if you dress like her for Halloween.
And in a similar vein, there’s sexy Donald Trump. No word on if POTUS cares that people are dressing up like him, but I say go for it.
oh yeah, anyway, so there’s a “sexy Donald Trump” costume for the ladies in your life pic.twitter.com/sFQyMrov8L
— Treatbag Booments (@airbagmoments) October 13, 2017
And there have been tons of schools handing out pamphlets with guidelines on how to dress inoffensively. St. Thomas University in Minnesota posted an informative brochure of prohibited costumes.
The brochure suggests that cultural appropriation is one of the worst crimes that happens on Halloween. It’s problematic because it “turns an important and/or sacred element into fashion.”
Somebody tell that to Dolce and Gabbana.
And for the record, dressing up as a Native American is totally off the table now, too. What could be more insensitive than dressing up in something that looks historically pretty accurate?
It’s October, and many of you are pondering Halloween costumes.
Put. The. Native American/sombrero/geisha. costume. DOWN. Linda. pic.twitter.com/goAWc7Fr2W
— RAFAEL CASAL (@RafaelCasal) October 6, 2017
A costume retailer recently had to yank their Anne Frank costume off the shelves because apparently dressing like prominent historical figures has become a thing of the past.
THE WORLD IS A MERRY CARNIVAL OF HORROR https://t.co/bVED1TDZni
— no dana, only zuul (@DanaSchwartzzz) October 16, 2017
UMass Amherst went even farther, restricting any references to Harambe. I didn’t know gorillas could be offended. Especially beautiful souls like Harambe.
And forget about jokes. Jokes are completely off limits. Actress Lili Reinhart learned that the hard way this week when she said she’d be dressing up as the color of her soul.
— E! News (@enews) October 23, 2017
The internet dragged Reinhart through the mud for even joking about “blackface.”
And to fortify the dozens of colleges warning about sensitivity, The Tab came out with a list of offensive costumes that should be off limits this year.
- Harvey Weinstein – OK, I get this one. Nobody should be joking about this scumbag.
- Woody Allen – Because of his supposed support for Weinstein.
- Hugh Hefner – Mark my words. Hugh Hefner is going to be the costume of 2017. Apparently Google searches for “Hugh Hefner style robe” have skyrocketed in the past 90 days. Try as they might, the PC police aren’t gonna be able to stop this one. Halloween night is going to be shrouded in a sea of red velvet robes across the country.
- Tom Petty – Come on. Tom Petty? What’s so offensive about him? He had some great hits. He may have died a few weeks ago but his music lives on. People dress up like Michael Jackson and Tupac and somehow the world still turns.
This just goes to show that sanitizing Halloween of all potentially offensive costumes is an underhanded way to being censoring history. First you get rid of Geishas, Mexicans, Native Americans. Then you ban Anne Frank. Then you shame anybody who wants to dress up like a late rocker.
This may indeed be the scariest Halloween yet.