Slate is behind the highly illuminating advice column “Dear Prudence,” and released an absolute zinger of a question Tuesday afternoon.
This week’s anonymous debacle comes from a concerned ex-spiritual seeker with a tattoo for the ages.
He or she writes, in part:
I am a white person who grew up without any faith and started practicing Buddhism during college. I attended a temple, studied the history, and genuinely followed it for 13 years. During that time I got a large OM symbol tattooed on my hand, which admittedly was a fad. While Buddhism is still extremely near to my heart, I kind of let it go after having to move to an area with no temples. And as the conversation about cultural appropriation has developed, I’ve been feeling deep tattoo regret…Any cover-up will likely only turn into a giant blob… the color and placement of the tattoo will render [removal] treatment ineffective. Recently, an Asian friend of mine asked me to cover the tattoo around her family because it really bothers them. I feel like a total jerk. I’ve gotten several annoyed stares and I’m not sure how to make things right.
Appropriation was just something I was not aware of a decade ago when I got this tattoo. I try to keep it covered with sleeves or gloves, but I need a better long-term solution. What do you think is the best path here?
Prudence proceeded to dispense some of her priceless advice to our tatted terror, like “buy concealer” and “just don’t eradicate your Buddhist roots.” It’s groundbreaking stuff really.
But after reading this column, I became more self aware. If this person was up at night, worried about unsightly body art, were there other issues I might be overlooking?
If you’re now worried about the same things, fear not. Luckily this person admits that the “om” thing was a fad and his or her fixation on oversensitivity is also likely a fad. Instead, I present to you 10 other things that should keep you up at night instead.
(1) This person said the color of the tattoo will render the laser removal ineffective. What color is this thing? And exactly how big is it? Are we talking half dollar? Kiwi? Grapefruit?
(2) If meditative utterances are cultural appropriation, would now be a good time to also ‘namaste’ bumper stickers and ‘live laugh love signs?’
(4) How much Diet Coke is too much Diet Coke?
(3) Forget national security, I’m growing more concerned about the future of America wanting to replicate Moana.
(4) Why does blowing on food make it colder?
(5) Why does Mercedes have three different pronunciations of “e”?
(6) Does chocolate milk weirdly pair well with Chinese food?
(7) You’re racing cars and you overtake the second car. What place are you in now?
(8) What language do deaf people think in?
(9) Do mirrors have a color?
(10) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be?
These are just some of the questions that should keep you up at night. None of that “om” nonsense. If you think you’ve answered all the above questions, restart at Question 1 and begin again tonight.
Thank me later for your insomnia.