I Am Not The New Detroit Lions Coach – Despite A Stunning Resemblance

David Hookstead and Detroit Lions (Credit: Getty Images, David Hookstead)

David Hookstead Sports And Entertainment Editor
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Matt Patricia was introduced as the Detroit Lions coach Wednesday, and people are noticing a stunning resemblance between myself and the new coach.

Patricia showed up with trimmed facial hair, which is pretty much the number one thing I’m known for on this planet outside of my blue eyes and hot takes.

Look, I understand the confusion. I truly do, but I am not Matt Patricia. Are we both football geniuses? Yes. Are we both tied to the Detroit Lions? Yes, but we’re not the same person just because we both might be a shade overweight and have incredible facial hair.

We have the facial hair that you imagine a glorious general five hundred years ago would have had. Our beards say everything you need to know without ever having to speak a word. It’s our beards that men fear above all else when they’re with their girlfriends and they see us enter the bar to smash Miller Lite.

We both have the facial hair of champions, and we both have a championship mentality. He wins in the NFL, and I win on the internet. They’re practically the exact same thing when you boil it down. Would I pick up the phone and listen if the Detroit Lions wanted to make me their coach? Probably, but the journey to the top of the internet is consuming most of my time these days.

However, I might be able to sneak in for a couple plays on the sideline. After all, nobody really seems to notice the difference. I’m happy for Patricia. I truly hope he crushes it in Detroit, and I’ll be ready in the wings if my guys need help.

But please, let’s not jump to conclusions just because the two of us have epic facial hair.

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