9 Reasons To Get Hyped For 50 Years Of Global Cooling


Jena Greene Reporter
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The University of California – San Diego just released a report claiming the Earth is about to enter a period of global cooling for the next 50 years. The sun will get seven percent cooler and the climate will experience a .25 percent reduction in solar warming.

International Business Times reports:

Physicist Dan Lubin at the university and his team studied the past event and concluded that were are in for a worse case. The Sun is expected to get much dimmer than last time and, in scientific terms, it is a “grand minimum” — a time period in the 11-year solar cycle when the solar activities are at the lowest point.

Now most of you might be thinking, “Hey, a reduction in solar warming sounds like a good thing. Haven’t all these scientists been warning us about global warming for years now?” And first I would tell you to replace the word “scientists” with “nerds,” and then I would say yes, global cooling is indeed a good thing.

So since I have as much of a PhD in climatology as Bill Nye does, I’d like to offer a rebuttal to all these people freaking out over the next ice age.

Here are 9 things to get absolutely pumped for as we enter 50 years of global cooling.

– More outdoor ice hockey: Sorry Canada. You thought you were the only ones who could play outdoor ice hockey in July. Pretty soon, I’m gonna be flexing my slap shots all over you in the Caymans.

– Easy Adult Beverage Cooling: While I’m playing ice hockey in the Caymans, I imagine I’ll get a little thirsty. No need for refrigeration, I just stowed a 30 rack in the snow next to the rink. Global cooling is off to an electric start.

– Sayonara Zika: I don’t think the mosquitoes are gonna stick around for the second ice age. That means saying goodbye to all those horrible diseases they carry with them.

– Polar Bears, Penguins, Narwals: They’re all back baby. It’s like the Arctic Noah’s ark.

– Less Hurricanes, More Snow Storms: As a South Carolinian, I can’t say I look forward to August and September because 1) it’s still bloody hot and 2) the tiny island I live on is almost always guaranteed to get pummeled by so much as a tropical storm. I can’t wait to make snowmen instead of boarding up my damn windows thrice a year.

– Less Sunburn: No need to reapply that SPF 50 every 90 minutes.

– Two Scoops Of Ice Cream For Everyone: No longer will we need to allegedly ration the chilled dairy treats at stately residences. Everyone can have as much of it as they want now.

– World Travel Just Got A Whole Lot Easier: Don’t want to get on a plane to see Italy? Well buddy you no longer have to. You can sled there.

– The Inevitable Remake Of The “Ice Age” Movies: 21st Century Fox will no longer have to look back millions of years to know what the ice age looked like. They’ll have it in their own backyard.

Really there are no downsides to the coming ice age. Unfortunately, we’re probably not gonna destroy enough of the ozone to melt Hillary’s icy gaze but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. Bring on the global cooling.

PS: If Harvard wants to give me an honorary doctorate in science because of this groundbreaking article, you know where to find me.

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