It’s no secret by now that the 2018 Oscars were extremely boring. The ratings were abysmal and nothing went viral. No false winner announcements, no absurd hashtags, nobody even crashed the festivities with meaningless tag lines. It was – to say the least – forgettable.
But I think we need to do better as Americans. We’re clearly ahead of the game in the entertainment industry. Some of the best movies have come out of the US – think Blackhawk Down, Remember The Titans, Wedding Crashers, and American Sniper. Shouldn’t our awards show give these movies the fanfare they deserve?
So as I sat back watching the dreadful exhibit put on by people who claim to be ‘performance artists,’ I jotted down a few ideas for next year’s 91st Academy Awards. Just to spice things up a little.
First, they need to reward the best scenes. I’m talking best car chase, best explosion, best gun fight, best sex scene.
Second, I’ve got two words for the Academy: animals. Live, wild animals. We’re talking tigers, gators, maybe even some endangered Asian rhinos. Really amp the stakes up. And then we’ll round up the actors who claim to be the biggest savages in attendance and one by one have them fight these things. Who wouldn’t want to see Tom Hardy take on a crocodile, bare handed? They don’t have to kill each other, just let it rip long enough to see who’s the king of the jungle.
They also need to cap some of these speeches. I’m tired of watching Meryl Streep yammer on for minutes on end and I’m sure a lot of people would agree with me. So here’s what needs to happen. In the spirit of raising awareness for endangered animals, they put a 60 second countdown on the clock. Doesn’t have to be fancy. There can just be a guy holding a stopwatch standing behind the recipient. And as soon as time runs out, they release a caged tiger onstage. You want the world to hear you that badly? Fight for it.
And one last thing. The audience needs to get more involved. They need to connect with the host. Kimmel’s performance resembled that of a damp kitchen mop just searching for scraps in a greasy Brooklyn diner. I’m sick of these limp handed hosts with a 1/10 personality and less testosterone than Whoopi Goldberg. So viewers need to vote on who hosts next year. Cut the middle man out.
As a matter of fact, I’ll nominate a few potential hosts now.
-Chazz Reinhold: not Will Ferrell. The actual character from the Wedding Crashers in his red silk robe.
-In the same spirit, Kenny Powers. Not Danny McBride. For the same reasons.
-General Mattis: because those VIPs could learn how to defer to the real heroes of the world.
-Donald Trump: half the attendees wouldn’t attend anyways. Spare us the boredom.
-Clint Eastwood: as long as we have an EMT squad on set, just in case he kicks the bucket during the show.
All of these suggestions are extremely solid, and when the Oscars inevitably decide to run them all next year I’ll be sitting at home, patiently awaiting my check in the mail. Or I’ll be there. Front row, the next face of the Oscars.
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