Donald Trump Jr. and his wife Vanessa announced they were filing for divorce this week. While much of America is sad to see the relationship dissolve, I’m a firm believer that there’s a silver lining to everything.
So in the spirit of new beginnings, I’m going to suggest a few tips and tricks to getting over a split.
First, he’s gotta grow out the hair. Donald Trump Jr. used to have incredible, lusciously long locks.
— Business Insider (@businessinsider) March 15, 2018
The key here is to embrace your youth. Only legends have long hair. Ric Flair? Check. Brett Michaels? Check. Brad Pitt, when he had that ponytail? Check. Kenny G? Check. Fabio? You better believe it.
Long hair equals vitality. The ladies love it. I read a statistic once that women are 100000 times more likely to be attracted to a guy with long hair than a bald one. And Donald Trump Jr. has himself a head of hair. These are just facts.
Second, he has got to lean into this whole newly single guy in DC thing. The Mooch is the perfect case study. Now, I know what you may be thinking. There are already plenty of single guys in DC. The place is literally crawling with them. What’s another one added to the roster? But Donald Trump Jr. has something the rest of the world can’t offer. He’s the President’s son. And not only is he the President’s son, he’s got a full security detail and routine paparazzi shots. All he’s gotta do is take a few pretty ladies out to dinner or the movies, get snapped looking fine a few times, and gin up the interest. He’ll never have a quiet Friday night again.
And last, Donald Trump Jr. has got to keep up his social media presence. Some of his friends have gone on record and voiced their concerns about his “bold and aggressive nature on social media.”
Does this look ‘bold and aggressive’ to you?
How about these?
Or this post?
The answer is no. None of these are bold or aggressive. Completely savage? Yes. Does he have one of the best Instagrams in the game? You bet. But Donald Trump Jr. is a lover, not a fighter. And anyone who says differently is probably Hillary Clinton. So the key here is to lean into what everybody’s saying. The people love his outdoorsy hunting photos. I personally eat them up. He’s gotta give them more of what they want. More blaze orange. More guns. More large mouth bass. It works every time.
And of course, as news and rumors continue to churn, Donald Trump Jr. should remember that he’s accomplished all by himself, son of the President or not. And if he needs a pretty shoulder to cry on, my DMs are open.
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