It’s Not A Great Sign That Planking And A Couple Push Ups Nearly Killed Me

Push Up (Credit: Shutterstock)

David Hookstead Smoke Room Editor-in-Chief
Font Size:

Turns out I’m in much worse shape than I ever could have imagined.

Johnny Manziel’s embracing #ComebackSZN, and my co-workers have been pushing me to try to get into a little better shape in the spirit of the season. I’m not terribly out of shape, or at least that’s what I thought. I weigh 180 pounds and stand a shade over six feet tall. It’s not terrible, but I will admit that my body is not currently NFL ready.

I hung up my days as an athlete after walking off the court as a 29-0 state champion on the greatest basketball team Wisconsin has ever known. It was all 12 ounce curls and golf from that day forward. Props to me for embracing the Michael Jordan lifestyle. I just always figured I could cruise through life never having to workout because my genetics from the past few generations are on a level that is almost hard to understand. They couldn’t be better if this was a sports video game.

To be fair, this has actually worked out pretty well. I never had to lift weights in high school or anything, and my parents’ DNA has allowed me to eat steaks, Chipotle and Culver’s nonstop. If I hammer Mountain Dews and beer without getting larger than 180 pounds, why stop? It’s really kind of strange.

So, I figured I’d get into shape and try some workouts. This was a terrible idea. I did a 30 second plank, two push-ups and nearly died. This went down on Monday, and my body is still on fire.

I struggled to sleep last night because I was in so much pain. Every movement feels like I’m being stabbed or shot. See, people laugh at me for not exercising, and those people are clearly idiots. Why would anybody ever choose to get sore if I can instead just crush it at life and weigh 180? That’s not exactly obese, and it sure as hell beats hurting all day. I couldn’t lift up a box right now if my life depended on it. That’s how much pain I’m in.

This is why I generally don’t listen to other people. They tell me eating Culver’s everyday for weeks is stupid and that I need to hit the gym. I do a plank for half a minute and nearly die.

Thanks for the advice everybody, but I’ll go back to listening to my big brain instead. Clearly I knew what was best. The only downside is that my NFL comeback will probably have to be at least temporarily put on hold. The sacrifices I make for my body never cease to amaze me. Truly hero stuff.

Follow David on Twitter