Unhinged Blogger Claims Trump’s Presidency Forced Her To Become A Shopping Addict

Jena Greene | Reporter

Just when you thought you’ve heard it all.

Trump is making people fat, he’s causing divorces, he’s killing poor people, he’s in bed with the Russians, the list goes on.

But possibly the most bizarre and outlandish excuse for terrible behavior came from a female blogger at Splinter News, an online publication that specializes more in resistance than actual news.

In today’s front page headline, blogger Emma Roller writes, “I’m Prettttty Sure the Trump Administration Is Conspiring With the Self-Care Industry to Make Me Go Broke.”

That’s five Ts. Count ’em — and buckle up.

In this incredibly well thought out and mature article, Roller probes deep into her personal issues and tries to pin down exactly why she’s spending so much money on so-called “self-care.”

Self-care purchases include makeup, last-minute plane tickets, clothes, regular takeout, manicures, and unnecessary products at the drugstore. She defends all of these purchases as absolutely necessary, as they give her “some semblance of control over my own life.” Since Trump is going to scoop up her remaining rights any day now.

Roller writes, in part:

If Alex Jones can call David Hogg a Nazi and not get his YouTube channel suspended, then I can blame my careless spending habits on the Trump administration working in concert with the machine elves who run Sephora.

The Trump administration is doing its damnedest to make women miserable, so it makes sense that it might want to enter into a business arrangement with the retailers of America to profit off of that misery. (More women than men indulge in “retail therapy,” after all.) With every overpriced craft cocktail and ill-advised H&M sundress we swipe onto our credit cards, we continue to feed a machine built to keep us quiet and complacent.

It’s not such a leap to say that the self-care industry has capitalized on consumer anxiety during this unsettling moment in American politics. This is how capitalism works.

Normally, I would tear into this girl for being just another blameless, whiney adult baby. I would say the only difference between Emma Roller and a literal infant is that she probably makes it to the toilet 3 times out of 10 and she pays rent. I would say if this generation is going to be expected to take over western civilization in a few years then I’m booking a 1 way ticket to a remote farm in New Zealand where it’ll just be me and the sheep.

But I’m not going to do that. I’m going to leave her little blurb right here for everyone to see. And I’m just gonna let it sit here. Air it out a little. Let it see the light of day. And make the world aware that there are walking babies all around us, and they’re getting poorer and less powerful with every trip to the nail salon.

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