Lewinsky Reveals She Considered Committing Suicide During Affair Investigation

Office of the Independent Counsel via Reuters

Mike Brest Reporter
Font Size:

Monica Lewinsky admitted that she contemplated suicide during the 1998 federal investigation into her affair with then-President Bill Clinton in a teaser clip from A&E’s new series, “The Clinton Affair,” which was released Wednesday on “Good Morning America.”

Lewinsky engaged in a multi-year sexual relationship with Clinton during his time in office. The former president was impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives for lying about the affair.


“In order to cooperate and to avoid charges, I would have to make phone calls — monitored phone calls — which they would listen into and record, and I might have to wear a wire and go see people actually in person. The ground completely crumbled in that moment. I felt so much guilt, and I was terrified,” Lewinsky stated. (RELATED: Hillary Clinton Says Husband’s Sexual Harassment Allegations ‘Different’ Than Trump)

She continued:

There was a point for me, somewhere, in this sort of first several hours where I would be hysterically crying, then I would just shut down, and in the shut-down period, I remember looking out the window and thinking that the only way to fix this was to kill myself — was to jump out the window, and I just — I felt terrible. I was scared, and I just — I was mortified and afraid of what this was going to do to my family and, you know? I still was in love with Bill at the time. So I just — I felt really responsible.

LONDON, ENGLAND – MARCH 23: Monica Lewinsky attends the gala screening of ‘Despite The Falling Snow’ on March 23, 2016 in London, United Kingdom. (Photo by Anthony Harvey/Getty Images)

In another teased part of A&E’s series, the NY Post published excerpts specifically on Lewinsky’s infamous stained blue dress.

She revealed that she wore the dress with the stain on it without noticing it and when it was pointed out to her, she thought it could’ve been “spinach dip or something.”

(Photo by Presley Ann/Getty Images for Cantor Fitzgerald)

Bill Clinton attends the Annual Charity Day hosted by Cantor Fitzgerald, BGC and GFI at Cantor Fitzgerald on September 11, 2018 in New York City. (Photo by Presley Ann/Getty Images for Cantor Fitzgerald)

Lewinsky also published a piece in Vanity Fair discussing the media’s differing treatment of her and Clinton. In it, she wrote,

After occupying distant orbits for two decades, we finally reached the perigee. For the first time in more than 15 years, Bill Clinton was being asked directly about what transpired. If you want to know what power looks like, watch a man safely, even smugly, do interviews for decades, without ever worrying whether he will be asked the questions he doesn’t want to answer. But in June of this year, during an interview on NBC, Craig Melvin asked Bill Clinton those questions. Was I owed a direct apology from him? Bill’s indignant answer: “No.”

Follow Mike on Twitter