The Christmas party season is raging, and that means it’s time for my tips on how to make the most of it.
As I’m writing this, I’m currently battling a wicked illness. Most men would probably have already died. Luckily for all of you, I’m not most men. I’m David Hookstead and I live to beat the odds. This is the type of attitude you need if you want to dominate the party season. Let’s get straight into my best tips.
1) Always have at least one fun ugly sweater:
Listen up, you can’t own the Christmas party season unless you have at least one amazing sweater. You want this sweater to invoke laughs, cause a fun debate and perhaps be used as an ice breaker for a nice young woman you’re hoping to spread a little holiday joy with.
For me, I have a Miller Lite sweater that I got a little over a year ago. It’s a hit. The ladies love it, the men want one and everybody agrees that it’s awesome. You don’t need an alcohol related one, but you do need one that is funny. This is key. Trust me.
2) Always bring something to drink when going to a house party:
This is the most obvious rule of them all, but apparently it still needs to be said. If you’re going to any party that isn’t an open bar at a corporate work event, then you need to be bringing some booze. It’s that simple. For me, I don’t go anywhere during the Christmas party season without a case of beer. Number one, it’s polite. Number two, it shows people that you’re always down for a good time.
Number three — this is the most important one — it allows you to offer the young lady without a drink in her hand a nice cold beverage. You’ve get to be her hero.
3) Remind everybody else how much better your sport teams are:
Christmas season is right at the end of the NFL season and the beginning of the college football bowl slate. You’re going to want to take every opportunity possible to remind people how dominant your squads are and how awful their teams are.
Find a way to work it into a casual conversation. Maybe your buddy is talking about how much he hates his boss. That’s a great time to remind him that he might hate his boss, but he probably hates the fact his college isn’t bowl eligible a lot more.
Now, if your teams blow, then just keep reminding people that injuries derailed your season. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. Nothing pisses people off more than the guy talking about how they were only an injury or two away from a national championship.
For example, Wisconsin only won seven games this year, but we were one or two guys away from the college football playoff. I honestly believe that and won’t be convinced of anything else.
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4) Knowing when and when not to bring a date:
Fellas, this one is very important. There are specific times you should and shouldn’t bring a date to a Christmas party. You should bring a date if it’s a casual event with your buddies, a low key work party or anything else in that vein. If you’re going to probably be getting hammered and don’t care about the optics, then find a woman to roll with. It’s a laid back atmosphere, and it couldn’t be a better opportunity. (SLIDESHOW: These Women On Instagram Hate Wearing Clothes)
Here’s when you don’t bring a date. If you’re in a very serious and formal setting or it’s a family event, and you don’t have a serious girlfriend, then leave the women at home. DO NOT BRING A WOMAN YOU YOU AREN’T REALLY DATING INTO THE LION’S DEN.
No woman on the planet wants to get put in that situation. Don’t do it.
5) Talk politics all you want, but only if your goal is to entice laughs:
There’s nothing worse than the person who preaches politics in a serious way during Christmas time. That guy always sucks. Don’t be him. If you’re going to talk politics, then do it in a way that is humorous. You’re not going to change anybody’s mind anyways. When you’re annoying liberal family members starts ranting and raving about Trump, just remind them Christmas is legal again because of our president. That will piss them off to the high heavens, but people with a sense of humor will enjoy it.
6) Do not talk about serious work subjects:
Finally, leave your penis measuring talking points at home. Nobody cares about your latest promotion or all the stuff you want to say in order to make yourself feel bigger. We’re all sure you’re tall when you sit on your wallet, but nobody wants to hear it. As I’ve often said, wealthy people don’t need to talk about it. It’s just known.
I don’t understand why more people don’t understand this common fact. You’re going to see a lot of people during the Christmas season you might not have seen in a long time. They might want to play big bank take little bank. Don’t engage. Anybody who feels the need to talk about their work status probably has more sexual frustration than we’ll ever be able to understand.
Save it. We’re here to crush beers and celebrate the fact it’s legal to say “Merry Christmas” in America again. Nobody cares about your work life.
Now, those are my six rules for surviving and thriving during the Christmas party season. Learn them, memorize them and use them. You can all thank me later.