Weddings During Football Season Should Be Outlawed By The Constitution

Football and Weddings (Credit: Shutterstock, Getty Images)

David Hookstead Smoke Room Editor-in-Chief
Font Size:

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time that we have a very important conversation.

This country needs to come together to pass a constitutional amendment banning weddings on the same days as football game, especially college games(SLIDESHOW: These Women On Instagram Hate Wearing Clothes)

Look, I hate to sound like the bad guy here, but it simply has to happen. Weddings on the days of big college football games are ruining this country.

We didn’t overthrow the British and invade Normandy so that I could sit through somebody’s nuptials while Ohio State and Michigan play. It just has to end. (SLIDESHOW: 142 Times Josephine Skriver Barely Wore Anything)

Now, I want to be crystal clear here. I have been to some weddings on the same days as a football game. If it’s a minor game, then it’s not a huge deal. I can stomach it, especially if I have some kind of viewing accommodations.

However, you are being a gigantic tool if you schedule your wedding during a major matchup. Think about your guests! Think about the founding fathers! Think about all the beer that needs to be drunk and the women who must be hit on! How will any of that happen if we’re tied up at weddings instead of focused on the game? (SLIDESHOW: 71 Times Samantha Hoopes Stripped Down)

To be crystal clear, I do love weddings. I’m a massive romantic, I love a couple falling in love, I like dancing and drinking and I sometimes even am able to snag away a bridesmaid. Sometimes!

Despite all of that, I still prioritize football over weddings, and the reason is simple. People get married and divorced all the time. It happens every single day in this country.

You know what doesn’t change? The final score of the big game. Somebody’s marriage might last for 70 years or for 70 days. That championship is lasting forever.

I’m a tolerant man. Growing up in the wilderness of Wisconsin scavenging to survive will do that to you, but I do have my limits.

Forcing me to miss the biggest game of the year is about a mile past where I’m willing to go.

So, let’s all take a pledge together right now to longer schedule weddings during football games. If we must do it, then do it during games nobody cares about.

That way, we get our college football and the rest of you can have weddings at some other time. I can hit on women who are up for some regrettable decisions during the game and then attend your wedding a couple of months later.

Everybody wins.