Afternoon Mirror: Onion Contributor Says Alabama Gov’s Name Will Be Remembered ‘In A List Of Slobbering Worms’
Quote of the Day:
“Lot of fucking idiots out here today.”
— Olivia Nuzzi, writer, New York Mag.
The tweet went out Wednesday evening, but many deemed it evergreen commentary.
Congressional reporter leaves swamp for the mountains
“Escaping the swamp for the weekend to fly fish in the mountains and I could not be happier.”— Henry Rodgers, congressional reporter, Daily Caller News Foundation.
Mood: “Just thought you might need a hug, or a fist bump, or a high five, or a laugh. Take what you need and remember that you matter.” — Pete Buttigieg‘s hubby, Chasten.
Washington Post food writer exposes false-crispiness in cookbooks
“I am about to expose another recipe-writer exaggeration, right up there with you-can-caramelize-onions-in-20-minutes. It’s this: Many things cookbooks promise will get crispy DO NOT GET CRISPY. Just saying it will won’t make it so. If only.” — Joe Yonan, self-described — watch out— bean eater and food writer for The Washington Post.
Travel Bitches: Passengers miraculously help woman find ring on airplane
“A woman lost her engagement [ring] on the plane. @AmericanAir stewardesses + half the plane crawling and search all over. Then a woman in 9D screams, ‘I found it!’ The entire plane cheers as the bride to be balled uncontrollably. So so holy. Felt a little like Luke 15 all over again.” — Steve Carter, co-host of Relevant Sports podcast.
Onion contributor seriously lashes out at Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey
“You don’t care about women. You don’t care about children. And to the extent that history remembers you it will be as a footnote in a list of fucking evil slobbering worms, whose name isn’t worth remembering, not even by family.” — Mara Quint, contributor, The Onion. Ivey recently signed the Alabama Human Life Protection Act.
Now, maybe, your Uber driver will shut up
“Finally!! Uber is launching ‘quiet mode’ for passengers who don’t want to chat w/ drivers, +preferred car temperature and help with luggage.” — Sunni. @SunniAndTheCity
“That’s the best news ever Sunni!! Now if @Uber drivers would wait more than 90 seconds for me to get to the car before leaving me.” — Mark Wilkins, D.C. paparazzo, a.k.a. @DCCelebrity.
On Bill de Blah-sio running for prez
“As I said yesterday on radio, Bill De Blasio may be the only politician other than perhaps Margaret Hodge or John Prescott who I literally cannot think of a single good thing about. Just literally nothing. Maybe ‘not a zombie.’ That’s it.” — Liz Mair, Republican communications strategist who is being sued by Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Calif.).
“De Blasio is on ‘Morning Joe’ right now talking about he will ‘take on the bully.’ Called Trump ‘low energy.’ It’s so depressing. One long dad joke.” — Eddie Scarry, commentary writer, Washington Examiner.
Patrick Howley: ‘Journalists are fundamentally bad’
“Journalists are fundamentally bad people, and the more exposure one has to them the more cynical one becomes, particularly when they form gangs. Ignoring journalists and making it clear that you do not respect their opinion is imperative for a happy life. RIP Isaac Kappy” — Patrick Howley, EIC, Big League Politics.
CNN punching bag Chris Cillizza gets mocked by a WaPo scribe
“Christopher there are a bunch of journalists who have full time beats explaining how big and influential youtube is fyi.” — Abby Ohlheiser, The Washington Post.
This was in response to Cillizza… who wrote this: “Most staggering thing I have heard in a long while: 1. 85% of Gen Z use You Tube as their primary source of video 2. Less than 1 in 10 use cable TV as their primary source of video.”
Tomi Lahren continues to be pro-choice
“I will be attacked by fellow conservatives for saying this but so be it, this Alabama abortion ban is too restrictive. It doesn’t save life, it simply forces women into more dangerous methods, other states or countries. You don’t encourage life via blanket government mandate!” — Tomi Lahren, Fox Nation host.
TV writer gets triggered by guy in MAGA hat
“So this guy is sitting ten feet from me, eating his hot dog, wearing a red MAGA hat. And it’s infuriating me. Because he might was well be wearing a hat that says ‘I’m a fucking racist and I don’t care that you know it.'” — Bryan Behar, TV writer, Studio City, Calif.
Writer worries about his toe
“Can you die from stubbing your toe?” — Jesse Kelly, senior contributor, The Federalist. “It’s not even the little one. It’s the one next to it. It’s starting to swell up. I’m getting cold. I’m showing symptoms of shock. Trying to crawl to my closet and put something on so I don’t die in my boxers.”
Later in the day, his luck worsened….
“Just got rear ended on the highway. I can’t believe how desperate some people are for a chance to meet me.” — Jesse Kelly. “Damage isn’t too bad. Really makes you sit back and count your blessings. Imagine how bad this could have been if I’d been rear ended by a woman.”
Steve Kroft is leaving CBS’s “60 Minutes” at the age of 73. Here.
A Deadspin writer’s brain explodes and he lives to tell about it. Drew Magery‘s story will make you laugh — and maybe cry — but mostly laugh. Morale of the story: Be nice to your coworkers. They may one day save your ass. Here.
Montel’s ‘Political Director’ Jonathan Franks once completed his thesis: “I wrote my thesis on kangaroo courts on private college campuses (having led one as a undergrad). There has to be a fair; rational way to apply basic procedural due process to private schools.”
Daily Beast reporter’s mom plans to buy him ‘fake news’ T-shirt
my mom said she was gonna get me the shirt as a present but it wasn’t in my size. ☹️ pic.twitter.com/JdoNUyko84
— Asawin Suebsaeng (@swin24) May 15, 2019
NYT‘s Maggie Haberman on how Trump is using his power
“Woods is a world-class golf star. But with Tiger Woods Medal of Freedom and Conrad Black pardon, Trump is using power of his office to aid or reward people who were famous or elite who didn’t thumb their noses at him before he was president.” — Maggie Haberman, White House correspondent, NYT.
Harper’s Bazaar editor gets 100K followers and celebrates with farts
“In light of hitting 100 thousand followers, my mom reminded me to ‘tweet as I would if I was speaking to a stadium full of people.’ So. *runs up and grabs the microphone* DONALD TRUMP EATS FARTS!!!!” — Jennifer Wright, political editor-at-large, Harper’s Bazaar.