Ladies and gentlemen, Christmas is almost here, and that means it’s time for my guide on how to dominate your family’s party.
As everybody knows, I’m a big party guy. Partying is one of my main pillars in life. We’re not here for a long time. We’re here for a good time.
If you live life with that mentality, I can promise that you’ll be just fine. Naturally, we don’t take a break from this mindset just because it’s Jesus’ birthday. If anything we crank it up. That’s why I’m here to give you the quick points on how to absolutely own your family party.
1) Bring an animal that you killed yourself to serve to everybody else.
There’s nothing better than eating animals that you killed yourself. It represents a connection to nature, it shows you understand the process and it means you put in the work.
On top of that, you get to constantly remind everybody else in the room that they’re not tough enough or smart enough to kill their own food. In the event of a food shortage or apocalypse kind of event, they’d likely die while you feasted.
You’re going to want to work this point into as many conversations as possible. Especially make a point of it when talking to the girlfriends of the male cousins you really don’t like. Let them know who the real men are. After all, engaged isn’t married.
2) Constantly remind everybody if you’re playing in a good bowl game.
This is a huge one. I can’t overstate the importance of this one. If your college football team is in a major bowl game, you have to constantly be talking about. The bowl matchup should dominate every conversation, especially when speaking to family members who aren’t in big bowl games.
I have a lot of Michigan fans in my family. They’re playing against Alabama in the Citrus Bowl. Meanwhile, the Badgers are in the Rose Bowl against Oregon. (RELATED: David Hookstead Is The True King In The North When It Comes To College Football)
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I’m going to be pounding this point home. Remind your opposing relatives, distant or close, that your college football team is better than theirs.
3) Find a few times to thank the troops throughout the night.
This might not seem like a Christmas thing to do, but it is. Whenever we can thank the troops, we have to find ways to do it.
Maybe, somebody is complaining about their job or work environment. Just casually remind them at least they’re not in Iraq and didn’t fight on D-Day.
There are going to be a lot of witnesses, and you don’t want to be remembered as the guy who didn’t thank the troops when the opportunity was there.
If you really want to crank things up, whenever cracking a new beer, dedicate it to a historical military figure. It keeps the conversation going and shows you’re educated.
4) Find ways to pivot away from relationship conversations.
This is a big one for all my single guys and gals out there. There’s nothing worse than being asked about your relationship status for the 500th time in the past hour.
Luckily, I’ve found some ways to avoid these conversations, and I implore you to use these lines. When somebody asks about your dating life, just drop one of these
- I’m six months behind on child support for a kid I didn’t even know I had until recently. I’m taking things easy.
- Ever since my last girlfriend ran off with [insert random friend of yours], I’ve been taking things slow.
- I’m waiting on the results of my STD test before deciding if I should jump back into the dating pool or not.
- I’ve come to learn that when a woman says she’ll stay forever, she really just means she’ll stay until the money is gone. Speaking of which, do you know any good bankruptcy lawyers?
Now, none of these are true, but it doesn’t matter. The person you’re telling knows this already, but your goal is to just make it as uncomfortable as possible.
5) Always have a beer in your hand.
Let’s just be honest with ourselves. The holidays can be stressful. While I would never encourage drunken shenanigans, I will encourage you to keep a steady beer buzz.
After all, Jesus wasn’t born so that you could remain sober. Make sure you have a steady supply of beer ready to go at all times.
6) Wear an outfit that is worth remembering.
First off, I don’t know anything about fashion. I know less about fashion than I do women, and all my ex-girlfriends will happily tell you how little I know about the opposite sex.
Having said that, I do know a thing or two about moving the needle. You’re going to want to set the tone with your outfit.
For example, I wouldn’t discourage you from wearing a cowboy hat and rocking a mustache. You show up to your family Christmas with a cowboy hat and balling facial hair, and you’ll say everything without having to say a single word.
Plus, again, this is a great way to open the door with the girlfriends of the cousins you hate. It’s almost too easy.
7) Have some kneecap comments ready.
Finally, you need to be ready to dome shot people if necessary if the convo gets out of control. Some people (losers) feel like Christmas is a good time to start rattling off accomplishments in an attempt to impress everybody.
Luckily for all of us, we all know embarrassing information on all our family. Don’t hesitate to use it if somebody gets a bit too big for their britches.
Keep it fun and light-hearted, but let people know you don’t play games. It’s Christmas. The star is the big man upstairs.
It’s not your cousin talking about how business is up 15% or talking about his golf game. Oh, you got a fat raise? That’s nice. You’ve come a long way from wetting the bed. We’re proud of you.
It’s not hard.
Anyways, I hope you take my advice. Now go out there and dominate!