Editorial

Here’s The Official Guide To Dominating Your Super Bowl Watch Party

(Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

David Hookstead Sports And Entertainment Editor
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The Super Bowl between the Chiefs and 49ers is this Sunday, and I have everything you need to know in order to dominate your watch party.

Watching the Super Bowl is as American as obesity, burgers, winning world wars and drinking ice cold beer. It’s what this country is all about. (RELATED: David Hookstead Is The True King In The North When It Comes To College Football)

Naturally, that means you have to know how to dominate the day for your watch party. Luckily for all of you, I’m here to help. Let’s dive right in.

1) Come prepared.

My friends, this is in the top spot for a reason. It’s number one because it’s the most important. If you show up empty handed to a Super Bowl watch party, you should be sent to spend the rest of you life living in a North Korean prison cell.

Everybody, and I mean everybody, should bring something. I don’t care if the host says he has more than enough.

It doesn’t matter. Bring some chips and salsa, bring some beer or find something else. Whatever you do, don’t show up without anything.

There’s no better way to announce to the room you’re an awful person than coming to a watch party without a single item to share.

2) Start the day off right with a shower beer.

It’s the Super Bowl. It’s Super Bowl Sunday! Our founding fathers didn’t fight the British so that you could start the biggest day of the year completely sober.

By not drinking a shower beer the morning of the Super Bowl, you’re pretty much telling everybody you don’t think the Revolutionary War was worth fighting.

Do you really want to be the guy who is known for not supporting our fight for freedom? Didn’t think so. Grab a beer for the shower and enjoy it.

3) Remind everybody that next year is your team’s year.

If your team is playing in the Super Bowl, then good for. However, seeing as how 30 of the 32 teams in the league don’t play in the Super Bowl, odds are high they’re watching from the couch like you.

That’s okay. Sunday isn’t the time or place to dwell on your team’s disappointing season. However, it is the time to remind the world that next year is your team’s year.

Have a laundry list of facts ready to go, and repeatedly say them. If you say them enough times, you might even start to believe them yourself.

4) Go ahead and find a woman.

Gentlemen, Super Bowl watch parties are like a free fire zone in a war when it comes to picking up women. If a woman is at a Super Bowl party, odds are high she’s probably pretty chill.

Even if she doesn’t love football, she at least enjoys the social aspects of the sport. For a watch party that’s more than good enough.

Grab a beer, saunter on over to her and shoot your shot. Remember, you can’t become a hero if you’re not willing to cut it loose.

5) Feed yourself.

You’re going to be drinking a lot of beer throughout the day. You’re going to want to grab a ton of food. This should seem obvious, but you’d be shocked by how many people forget to enough during their process of just getting wasted.

Fill that plate up, and then fill it up again.

6) Reminisce about your old days playing football.

You probably weren’t close to playing in the NFL. Hell, 99.9% of people reading this weren’t close to playing major college football.

Doesn’t matter. The random stranger at the party doesn’t know that. You remember that eight yard carry you had back in high school? Do yourself and make that a 12 yard touchdown. Let everybody know if your knee had held up you’d be on that field right now.

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Instead, you retired and pursued a career in construction.

7) Remember to talk about America a lot.

Finally, remember that this event is all about America. If America didn’t exist, then we wouldn’t have the NFL and the Super Bowl.

By extension, we’re really honoring America this Sunday more than we’re just watching football. Have any interesting D-Day stories? The lady you’re talking to wants to hear about them. Don’t think about it too much. Just do it.

Trust me, you can all thank me later.