“I’ve never crossed the line with anyone. But, I didn’t realize the extent to which the line has been redrawn. There are generational and cultural shifts that I just didn’t fully appreciate, and I should have no excuses … I want to thank the women that came forward with sincere complaints. It’s not easy to step forward, but you did an important service, and you taught me, and you taught others an important lesson. Personal boundaries must be expanded and must be protected. I accept full responsibility.” – Former New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo.
News item (The Londonium Chronicle)
John (“Jack the”) Ripper, PhD, accused of murdering sex workers in London’s East End, was apprehended late last night by Metropolitan Police. The victims were apparently killed while advertising their wares. It was long thought that the murderer might be a doctor: the workers’ throats were cut and their bodies mutilated in a manner indicating some knowledge of human anatomy.
Shortly after his arrest, Ripper indicated his disdain for sex workers — and for modern mores. With his lawyer at his side, Ripper issued the following statement: “I’ve never crossed the line with anyone. But, I didn’t realize the extent to which the line has been redrawn. There are generational and cultural shifts that I just didn’t fully appreciate.”
News item (The People’s News)
John Wilkes Booth, who shot and killed President Lincoln yesterday evening at Ford’s Theatre, was apprehended shortly after dawn. Following his second inauguration, Lincoln had gone to the theater to see the popular comedy “Our American Cousin.” Booth had performed at the theater and was familiar with its layout.
Booth was a radical pro-slavery advocate and was reported to have complained that Lincoln was a lawless president because in April 1861 he suspended the writ of habeas corpus between Washington and Philadelphia in order to give military authorities power to silence dissenters and rebels.
Hours after being apprehended, Booth, lawyer at his side, issued the following statement: “I didn’t realize the extent to which the line has been redrawn. There are generational and cultural shifts that I just didn’t fully appreciate. Personal boundaries must be expanded and must be protected.”
News item (The New York Ghost)
William Francis Sutton, author (Where the Money Was), raconteur, amateur attorney, friend of the poor, and professional bank robber, was apprehended late yesterday afternoon at an undisclosed location. One of America’s most famous criminals, Sutton was highly regarded in the profession. On the job, Sutton usually carried a firearm, which, he explained in an interview with Readers Digest, was never loaded, because, he said, “someone might get hurt.” However, he explained, “You can’t rob a bank on charm and personality.” Although he started his career at an early age, he never killed anyone. In prison, he was known as a “wise old head,” dispensing legal advice to numerous inmates.
Following his apprehension and arrest, Sutton issued the following statement, crafted, apparently, without the aid of legal advisors: “There are generational and cultural shifts that I just didn’t fully appreciate.”
News item (The New York Slime)
In 1998, former President Bill Clinton settled a sexual harassment lawsuit brought by Paula Jones by making an $850,000 payment before the suit went to trial. Jones claimed that on May 8, 1991, when Clinton was serving as governor of Arkansas, she was escorted by state troopers to Clinton’s room in Little Rock’s Excelsior Hotel, where he propositioned her and exposed himself. In 1994, two days before the expiration of the statute of limitations, Jones filed a sexual harassment suit against Clinton. Testifying under oath in a deposition, Clinton denied he had ever had sexual relations with Monica Lewinski. However, incontrovertible evidence confirmed that he had lied.
Following the settlement, Clinton issued the following statement: “I’ve never crossed the line with anyone. But, I didn’t realize the extent to which the line has been redrawn. There are generational and cultural shifts that I just didn’t fully appreciate. I want to thank the women that came forward with sincere complaints. It’s not easy to come forward. But you taught me, and you taught others, an important lesson. Personal boundaries must be expanded and must be protected.”
Scripture (Vulgar Bible)
And the Lord God said to Adam, “Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” And the man said, “The woman you put here with me — she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The Bill Clinton deceived me, and I ate.” Then the Lord God banished Adam from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken. And lo, Adam said to Eve as they left the Garden of Eden, “Sorry, Eve. There are generational and cultural shifts that I just didn’t fully appreciate.”
Daniel Oliver is Chairman of the Board of the Education and Research Institute and a Director of Pacific Research Institute for Public Policy in San Francisco. In addition to serving as Chairman of the Federal Trade Commission under President Reagan, he was Executive Editor and subsequently Chairman of the Board of William F. Buckley Jr.’s National Review.
Email Daniel Oliver at Daniel.Oliver@TheCandidAmerican.com.